Rex Was A Test Tube Baby

The Truth

ESPN guru John Clayton said today that Kyle Orton will most likely sit against the Titans this weekend, despite his claims that he's ready to go.

This means that the Mayor of Munchkin Land aka Rex Grossman will be taking the reigns again (Here he is trying to look like a badass. Adorable).

Why is Rex in the league? I've asked myself this painful question many times, and I think I may have figured out the answer...

Rex Grossman was a failed experiment. Some scientist in some lab miles and miles under a KFC, along with his hunchback/sexy assistant/sexy hunchback assistant, created Rex. What was their goal? To clone Brett Favre....

And they failed.

Keep in mind I hate Brett Favre more than Sarah Palin hated science class. But this is serious. Something sinister is going on here.

Think about it, they're about the same size, they both throw well on the run, they both belong to the "when in doubt, close eyes and throw far" school of quarterback play. Draft freaks even said he was "Favre Like" when he was drafted. But something went terribly, terribly wrong.

To put it in nerd speak, Brett Favre is Superman to Rex Grossman's Bizzaro Superman.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EjgVilIKkqY

Bizzaro Superman had all the powers of Superman, he was just mentally retarded.

Like Rex.

The Chiefs May Suck But Rex Blows...

Thigpen Doesn't Seem That Retarded...

I went to the Chiefs-Bucs game this past weekend. I'm a Bears fan, but my friend offered me a free ticket and I've never been to Arrow Head, which was pretty sweet.

First thing, uh the Chiefs are bad. I knew they sucked but they were the painful type of bad, the kind that looks like it's all going to work out and then pisses happiness away.

Be it the random fumbles after leg tackles, letting a kick get returned right before half, or having your back up running back go down with a bad injury after the league has decided to suspend your franchise running back, it really made me happy to not be a Chiefs fan.

That being said, I was shocked how well Tyler Thigpen looked. For a dude from Coastal Carolina he looked fairly impressive. For one thing, you can't teach that kind of athleticism...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jcmgqK0Utkc

I was freaking out when that happened, and I don't even care about the Chiefs. Now, I had been drinking for the past six hours, but still, it was still pretty mind blowing.

While on the subject of quarterbacks...

Kyle Orton went down on Sunday with an ankle injury which puts the Bears offensive hopes and dreams in the hands of everyone's favorite smurf-esq Gator.

Good Lord he's back...

We just can't shake Rex can we?

I mean Jesus... Rex Grossman is like herpes, just when you think you're in the clear, boom, breakout.

Not that I know what it's like to have herpes or anything...

Cool Glasses Joe Maddon...

Everyone seemed to cry for the Rays. I didn't.

Why I Love That The Phillies Stomped The Rays...

1) The Phillies fans have suffered more. I know right? How could I say that? Every commentator and his grandma have told me how much it sucks to be a Rays fan but here is the reality of it all...

They have only been around for a decade. The Rays organization started in 1998. So they haven't won a World Series in a whole decade. What a tragedy. The White Sox won in 2005, not having won the series since 1917.

The Phillies won it in 1980, so have waited 28 years to bring the trophy home. What I'm saying is, take some lumps as a franchise before you cry about not winning the series. Rays fans don't deserve it yet.

2) Charlie Manuel was born in 1944. He's an old mother.

The Phillies manager is also a huge badass. Manuel has survived a heart attack, quadruple bypass surgery, and cancer During his time with the Indians, he coached in the dugout with a colostomy bag beneath his jacket.

He can't be killed by conventional methods.

Joe Maddon is a dork. All that zen crap was cool when Phil Jackson started it with the Bulls back in the day. I like my coaches crazy and heart attack prone.

3) They actually changed their name from the Devil Rays to just the Rays. Are you kidding me? Has our society become so bible thumpy that teams are making their team names more God friendly? Who made this move? Sarah Palin?

4) Philidelphia is a way better sports city. Tampa fans watch "Murder She Wrote". Philly fans boo Santa. End of story.

5) CowBells

6) The Rays took out the White Sox...that troubles me.

7) The Phillies won me over when they played a song about fish made for toddlers when the Rays players were being introduced at Citizens Bank Park. Classic.

8) Uh...this

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xYBwzY-eEPI&feature=related

9) The RayHawk

10) Philidelphia gave us this...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NHIA1LGuMhQ&feature=related

When it comes down to it, I just hate cute media stories. As sick as it sounds, I was pretty happy when my Bears owned the Saints in the playoffs a couple years back, ending their feel good story about how by winning games, some how New Orleans was being saved.

Now that I think about it, I think there is something really wrong with my moral compass.

I'm going to the barber to get a RayHawk and make this right...

The Oz-Man's Greatest Hits

Ozzie Guillen. You either love him or hate him. I love him. One, I'm a White Sox fan, one of about 15 i'm pretty sure. Secondly, say what you want about him, he isn't boring. So...

My Top Ten Favorite Ozzie Guillen Freakouts

1) Ozzie v. Mariotti- After call up pitcher Sean Tracey refused to plunk a batter in retaliation during a White Sox-Ranger game, Ozzie threw a tantrum, causing former Chicago Sun-Times columnist Jay Mariotti to call Ozzie childish. Ozzie's response was the most Ozzie-esq he has ever dealt out, and had without a doubt the craziest aftermath.

"What a peice of s**t he is a f**king f*g"

Ozzie later claimed he did not know the slur he threw out was a slur for a homosexual, that in his home country of Venezuela that the word means "dumb guy". He was fined and forced to attend "sensitivity training". The circus that followed was even greater then the quote, culminating in Ozzie Guillen's homosexual hair dresser defending him in the news.

2) Ozzie v. Magglio- Following former White Sox star Magglio Ordonez's departure for the Detroit Tigers, Ozzie was asked his opinion of his former outfielder. His response?

"He's a piece of s**t. He's another Venezuelan mother f**ker. F**k him. He thinks he's got an enemy? No, he's got a big one. He knows I can f**k him over in a lot of different ways. He better shut the f**k up and just play for the Detroit Tigers. Why do I have to go over and even apologize to him? Who the f**k is Magglio Ordonez? What did he ever do for me? He didn't do s**t for me."

Followed by...

He f**ked with the wrong guy, and he knows that, too. He knows for a fact that he f**ked with the wrong people."

A close second to the Mariotti blowup. A very close second.

3) Ozzie v. Rich Hill- After the infamous Barett-Pierzynski punch that led to a Cubs-Sox brawl, Cubs pitcher Rich Hill told the media that he thought Peirzynski's hard slide was "Gutless" and "Pathetic". Ozzie?

"Tell that Triple-A b**ch to shut the f**k up," Guillen said. "Tell him to start throwing some strikes or he's going to get Dusty (Baker) fired."

Funny considering how Baker's career turned out in Chicago.

4) Ozzie v. Showalter- A minor disagreement over a Ranger's reliever coaching first base leads to Ozzie ripping on Buck Showalter's playing career.

"He never even smelled a jock in the big leagues," Said Ozzie,"Mr. Baseball never even got a hit in Triple-A. I was a better player than him, I have more money than him and I'm better looking than him."

For me it's tough to top baseball managers arguing over who is hotter.

5) Ozzie v. Wendelstedt- Ozzie wasn't happy when Carlos Lee was called out on a stolen base. His opponent? Second generation MLB umpire Harry Wendelstedt. Ozzie allegedly spit tobacco juice on Wendelstedt's face and informed him that...

"You're not even a pimple on your daddy's ass."

Great because he seemingly spit tobacco juice, which I didn't know was still allowed in baseball dugouts, in an umps face. Also sweet because he threw out a cross-generational diss.

6) Ozzie v. North- After A.J. Pierzynski complained about not starting in place of backup Toby Hall on Mike North's radio show 670 The Score, Ozzie actually called into the show to, er, explain his position. What ensued was a soliloquy chalk full of fun words. The highlight for me was the opening remarks...

Mike North: "How you doing, Ozzie?"

Ozzie Guillen: "Oh, shut the f**k up!"

7) Ozzie v. Duncan- Dodgers third base coach Mariano Duncan called Ozzie an embarassment to Latinos in baseball. Ozzie disagreed a little...

"Mariano Duncan never will be a big league manager and not because I ruined it for him. If Mariano Duncan thinks being a manager is making out the lineup and changing pitchers, he is real wrong."

Ouch...

8) Ozzie v. McCarthy- Former White Sox pitcher Brandon McCarthy said he is more comfortable on the Rangers because he was the only single player in Chicago save for his friend, White Sox outfielder Brian Anderson. Ozzie started throwing blind haymakers...

"You played with us 162 games and all of a sudden you leave and say you don't have a friend in the clubhouse, only Brian Anderson?" Guillen said. "Well, he picked the wrong guy to be friends with."

Not only does he take a swing at McCarthy, but for whatever reason, he went after CURRENT White Sox outfielder Brian Anderson. Why? Only Oz knows.

9) Ozzie v. Van Slyke- Following a game where Ozzie freaked out at former White Sox pitcher Jon Garland for not throwing at Tiger's players, Detroit first base coach Andy Van Slyke said that Garland should had pucned Guillen in the face. Ozzie no-likey.

"That's why he's coaching first base and I'm managing in the big leagues," Guillen said. "I'm going to manage in the big leagues longer than he's going to coach first base."

Nothing like making fun of less important coaching positions. Wasn't Ozzie once a third base coach for the Marlins?

10) Ozzie v. Cuzzi- After a White Sox-Twins game where umpire Phil Cuzzi tossed Ozzie, Guillen opted to enlighten the fans about his relationship with Mr. Cuzzi.

"I just let him know I don't like him the first day I see him, and I think he feels the same way about me. And we have to move on."

No swears but still pretty funny mainly because he claims he hated Cuzzi the first moment he laid eyes on the him.

I can't wait until Ozzie starts his political career...I'd pay good money to watch an Ozzie v. Palin debate.
Actually, Guillen would probrably just hit on her.

Or perhaps just hit her.

Samurai In San Fran

I Love The Samurai

Due to his inability to develop Alex Smith into a star quarterback, Mike Nolan has been ousted from San Francisco. In all honesty, I liked Nolan.

Mainly because he often rocked suits on the sideline instead of the usual team apparel. You have to respect the classy throwback to coaches of yesteryear.

That being said, I'm pretty pumped that I get to watch Mike Singletary patroll the sideline now as the 49ers interim, and hopefully permanent, head coach.

You want someone who can scare the talent back into players like Vernon Davis?

How's a 10 time pro bowl, 2 time defensive mvp, leader of the 85 Bears D, all around psycho former middle linebacker?

He's the guy that Brian Urlacher will always be compared to and likely never match.

He's the freakin' Samurai!!! Is there a better nickname ever in anything?

But in all honesty, the hands down number one reason why Mike will make an awesome head coach and will probrably lead the 49ers to 7 or 8 superbowl wins in a row...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fJNC3dgreaU

He's number 50 in case you aren't familiar...and nobody messes in his neighborhood.

Staph Infection? I'm A F@#KING Soldier!!!

Staph Infection Sidelines Winslow Again...For A Different Reason

or

Why I Hate Phil Savage

Clevelend Browns General Manager Phil Savage has suspended Kellen Winslow for comments he made regarding his recent staph infection and the teams handling of the situation.

Following Clevelands loss to the Redskins, Winslow told reporters that the "undisclosed" illness that sidelined him the previous week was staph infection, his second case since being drafted by the Browns five years ago. Winslow is the sixth Browns player to have a staph infection since 2005, well above the norm.

Winslow claims that the team claimed it was his choice to keep the illness secret when in reality it was the organizations choice.

Considering the Browns facilities seem to be a hot bed for staph infection, I'm inclined to agree with Winslow.

"Nobody knew that I had staph on the team because the Browns didn't want it to get out,'' Winslow said. "But it's my teammates' right to know what's going on at the facility to protect them. Their safety is at risk, too, and I didn't agree with the Cleveland Browns, because they are protecting the organization and not the players."

This insane verbal rampage was so destructive to the Browns organization that it apparently deserved a one game suspension without pay.

"The Browns are bigger than one person, bigger than [owner] Randy Lerner, bigger than [coach] Romeo Crennel, bigger than me and bigger than any player on this team," Savage said during his weekly appearance on WTAM radio. "We couldn't and won't allow one person to tear down the organization, so we had to do something."

I'm sorry. "Tear down the organization?" That sounds like the Sarah Palin school of thought that if you criticize anything America does you somehow are trying to destroy the union.

Phil, there is, without a doubt, something totally messed up about your facilities that it's infected six players, including another star in Braylon Edwards, with staph infection. Do you know how many times a player on my high school team contracted a staph infection in our diry facilities? Somewhere around zero.

By protecting his teamates Winslow is actually helping the organization, because the most important part of the organization is the team. Period. And Phil, the team is way, way, waaaay bigger then you.

When you make a big secret hush hush about an athletes illness, it makes it sound like he has AIDS or something.

You know what wrecks organizations more than telling the truth to the press? Massive cover-ups that endanger the team.

I don't know if it's a personality flaw or because he went to Miami or both, but Kellen Winslow has a tendancy to say extra stupid things at a pretty steady clip. This, however, is not one of those times. And if the Browns lose a tight one this week, your going to look like a grade A dumbass.

Because going 2-5, well, that REALLY tears down an organization.

But...

On the flip side...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I82BPA5QAaQ

Fine...Bench him... "I Don't give a HELL"...

Skirts For Everyone!!!

Why I Love Polamalu And Hate Goodell

What's Next? No More Scary Tatoos?

Back in the day, Hall of Fame linebacker Jack Lambert suggested that the NFL put skirts on quarterbacks so they know not to hit them like they are actual football players.

Roger Goodell seems to want to make the skirt uniforms manditory for all players.

A little while back, the usually hard to crack Steelers safety Troy Polamalu opened up about his take on the direction the NFL was headed.

"It's becoming more and more flag football, two-hand touch," said Polamalu.

He would go on to say that league officials are turning football into a "pansy game" and that greats like Dick Butkus and Ronnie Lott wouldn't be able to play in todays game because they would be fined way to much and woulnd't be able to make rent.

I couldn't agree more.

I've already expressed my anger towards the babying of qbs, but thats done by referees. What Troy is talking about is perfectly legal, non-penalized hits that are resulting in fines well after the game has ended. What Troy is talking about are the two legal hits Hines Ward layed on corners this year that resulted in fines of 15,000 each.

Yeah, the NFL is protecting DEFENSIVE players from getting HIT!

Cardinals safety Adrian Wilson was fined 25,000 bucks because a legal hit he layed on Buffalo quarterback Trent Edwards resulted in a concussion.

Just because someone gets injured doesn't mean the hit was dirty. It is very possible to give someone a concussion from a totally legal form tackle.

It's football. People are supposed to get messed up. The players know that. It's been a reality since they played in high school. If you take away the brutality of football then you take away a key element that has made football the most popular sport in America.

If a player was afraid of injury, then they would switch to baseball.

If we have a bunch of players running around playing tentative, then they are going to get hurt. That's something players are taught very early on.

Fine happy Roger Goodell claims that this new wave of non-penalized hits being fined is due to a desire to protect the players from injury. This is true and false. True, the NFL wants to keep players from getting injured, but it has less to do with player safety and more to do with protection of assets. It's about money. If they really wanted to protect players from being injured, they wouldn't be currently debating the possibility of adding a couple more games to the regular season.

Oh really? That's more chances for players to get injured, more wear and tear, all of which could lead to shorter careers and less money for the players. It would, however, bring more money in for the league.

Safety of the players huh?

How about we stop fining players for hits, because that's what they are paid to do.

Let's also stop fining players for touchdown dances, trust me, no one is getting offended by them accept for everyone's racist grandpa who doesn't see why there aren't as many white fellas playing these days.

And lets kill this new "Defensive Delay Of Game" call that's being tossed around this season. Oh, a defensive player didn't immediatly pick up the ball and hand it to the nearest ref? He instead angrily hits the ground because he missed an easy pick. Well, we can't have emotion in football can we? Toss the yellow flag.

The fun police are already stepping all over College Football (Washington-BYU game anyone?), let's keep them out of the NFL.

Do it for Deion, do it for Butkus, and do it for my sanity.