Monday, December 8, 2008

Cities That Make Me Feel Good About My Many Failures

The Worst Sports Cities Of The Moment

As of Monday, December 8th, 2008, the saddest sports cities, in my opinion...

Bad: Kansas City

Two teams, two worthless masses of wasted athlete. The Chiefs were once good, believe it or not. Now they exist only to make Tony Gonzalez cry into his pillow at night as he feverishly texts his agent to try and find a way out of Arrowhead for good.

And the Royals? God they're almost adorable. They try so hard and yet accomplish so very little. But hey, they just signed Coco Crisp so maybe they will see a spike in jersey sales. Maybe then they will have some extra dough to spend on someone who will actually make a difference.

Ugly Bad: The Entire Bay Area

I'm going to combine San Francisco and Oakland here because they are so close and suck so very, very much. The City by the Bay boasts the Giants and the 49ers. The Giants have one good player, Aaron Rowand, who likes to take himself out every other season by ramming his skull through the outfield wall. The 49ers have gone from a sexy sleeper pick a few years ago to a team that struggles to grab victory in the pathetic NFC West. As a side note, what were the football Gods thinking when they blessed the people of San Francisco with all those Superbowl victories? Those are the fans that get the hardware? Wouldn't those titles be better appreciated in a more blue collar city like Cleveland or Detroit or, I don't know, CHICAGO!

Then there is Oakland. Not only would I not want to live there, but I wouldn't want to attend any games. The A's aren't terrible, but they like to annoy they're fans by growing players and then selling them off at a rate only matched by the Minnesota Twins. And of course they're are the Raiders. Al Davis is Hell bent on killing the Raiders before nature kills him. Opposing teams are more scared of Oakland fans then they are of Oakland players.

I also have to include the team that represents both cities, the Golden State Warriors. They are pretty good but they just lost they're best player to a division rival now that Baron Davis is a Los Angeles Clipper.

Nickelback Bad: Detroit

I don't know what is being evacuated at a faster clip, Detroit's sports stadiums or the city itself. I know, the Pistons are almost always contenders but they are below .500 since trading Finals MVP Chauncey Billups to the Nuggets for Allen "We talkin' bout practice!" Iverson. The Red Wings really keep Detroit from being higher, or should I say lower, on the list. Any good the Pistons and the Red Wings have done has been off set by two of the most garbage feeding teams in their respective sports. I'm of course talking about the Tigers of the MLB and the Lions of the NFL.

The Tigers blew Yankee money on Dontrelle Willis and Miguel Cabrera from the Marlins, mix them with guys like Justin Verlander, Magglio Ordonez, and Curtis Granderson, and have them coached by Sam Elliot twin Jim Leyland, and what to they get? 74-88, 14.5 games out of first place. They actually finished behind the Royals!

But compare them to the Lions and they seem like the Durham Bulls after Tim Robbins started banging Susan Sarandon. I mean they are seriously going to go 0-16! How is this even possible? The 1976 Tampa Bay Buccaneers went 0-13, and alums of that ill-fated squad have to be psyched. For so long they have been the worst team in NFL history, but I really think that's going to change. No one remembers the second crappiest team ever. What's odd to me is how possibly the worst team in NFL history may have the best reciever in the league in Calvin Johnson. But they are truly that bad. Want to hear a funny joke?

The Detroit Lions.
That's the punchline.

Jonas Brothers mixed with Nikelback bad: Lincolshire, specifically Stevenson High School.

Yeah David Jaffe, I said it. Stevenson sucks the hard one. Why? Here are a couple reasons.

1) Whenever we played them in football, we had to play on Thursday nights because Stevenson wouldn't play on Rosh Hashanah or Boxing Day or whatever. They got the Friday off, we didn't. You have no idea how bad that Friday sucked.

2) Their entire offensive line had such brutal acne that I almost vomited into my mouth guard every time they tried to double team me.

3) Stevenson head ball coach Bill Mitz was so sick of getting curb stomped by Libertyville in football that he joined his sons high schools coaching staff in a cute attempt to beat us. He failed though, and I ruined his day double style when I sprained his son's knee with a TOTAL cheap shot after he kicked a punt. My coaches were happy and my parents were ashamed.



The Mariners are a terrible collection of weakness. They need to ship out Ichiro and rebuild for the 2019 season.

The Seahawks are turning in one of their worst seasons in recent memory, in coach Mike Holmgren's final season. Once again, if you struggle to compete in the NFC West, I think you should be suspended, as a team, for a full year.

The worst thing though, is the brutal injustice that is the Oklahoma City Thunder.

Is there a more soul crushing turn of events for a fan then to have your team taken from you and repackaged into another team all together? As a Bulls fan, I remember the Bulls fighting tooth and nail against a Gary Payton and Shawn Kemp led Supersonics.

It's just sad, I don't even want to be a smart ass about it. I couldn't imagine what I would be feeling right now if one of my teams moved to Tulsa or something like that.

Look at the Thunder. Their name sounds like an AFL team and their uniforms scream NBA Europe.

Sonics fans were seriously sports raped.

My heart goes out to Seattle fans. You truly live in the worst sports town in America.

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