Tuesday, December 16, 2008
Monday, December 8, 2008
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
Sunday, November 16, 2008
Thursday, November 13, 2008
- It was about half way through the season. We were doing the standard kick off-kick return run through that I'm sure every team in the country drones through without giving anything much thought. Towards the end, our head coach, Randy Kuceyeski, freaked out. He threw his clip board, tossed his hat off, and charged onto the field, getting in the face of our starting middle linebacker Matt Norcia. They were forehead to forehead. "You want to keep up that bullshit effort? Keep it up then you shit" or something to that extent. Norcia wasn't having it. He threw off his helmet and basically told the coaching staff to f**k off and that he quit. Everyone let out a collective "oh shit" as he marched off the field towards the lockerrooms. Who was going to play middle? I sure as hell didn't want to move from defensive tackle to linebacker, I didn't know the playbook well enough to call audibles. No one really did. The back ups were no good, and you can't have an underclassmen trying to run a very complicated defense. All anyone could talk about for the rest of practice was how screwed we were. A little while later, Norcia came running back on the field with a retarded grin on his face. Kuceyeski was laughing his ass off as well. They had planned the whole thing. Why? I don't know. They rehearsed the whole thing before practice. Funny, but not cool at all.
- My buddy Nick was not your typical offensive guard. He was a vegan, which means he not only doesn't eat meat, but any product that comes from animals, like milk or cheese. Also, he is an anarchist. So yeah, not exactly Rudy. The head offensive line coach and offensive coordinator, Karl Jenrich, was about as "movie" style coach as you could hope for. Crew Cut? Check. Mid-shin socks? Check. Hardass? Check. Thinking Nick is possibly retarded? Double Check. Coach J, as we called him, was a fan of telling players in his dog house that he was going to go "get a stick" and then beat them with it. He never actually did this, until he met Nick. Neither one of us remember what caused it all, maybe he forgot the snap count one to many times or maybe Nick just wouldn't shut up, who knows, probrably both. Long story short, Coach J stomped off to a little patch of forest on the edge of our practice field, and moments later, game back with a solid looking stick. It was more of a baby log really. Nick just sort of looked at him and laughed like it was, I don't know, a joke. It wasn't. Lucky for Nick, he was wearing a helmet, as Coach J proceeded to crack him upside the head three, maybe four times, with an actual freakin' stick. The one and only time, to our knowledge, that Coach J actually followed through with the stick threat.
- Our QB Brett Lancaster had a thing for running around naked in the locker room. Now I realise that the locker room was created for that very purpose. It wasn't, however, made for dancing around by people's lockers and doing puppetry of the penis. On game days, we would go straight to the lockerroom after class and put on some workout clothes so we could warm up, go to meetings, get taped up, etc. Well, young Brett felt that this would be a wonderful time to try out a new, and very uncomfortable looking trick without his clothes on. Our nose guard, Greg Larsen, finally lost it. He grabbed Brett around the neck, dragged him a couple feet, and threw him out the locker room front door. Now keep in mind, our football locker room is right off the field. So it's outside. And class had just ended, so people were walking through the parking lot to get to their cars. Yeah, have a nice mental picture? Brett had to hide, naked, behind a bush outside the locker room doors for ten minutes as people passed by unaware of the naked gentleman in their midst because Greg had locked the door after he forced Brett out. Finally, a coach came by and let him in.
- When our season ended, we were undefeated and state champs, so technically, we were the greatest team in school history. Naturally, we all felt like we deserved a little somethin' somethin'. Yet, the school AD didn't have any magical number retirement ceremony planned for us. We had to take matters into our own hands. So we did, through either purchases, gifts, or theft, every number of every starter was basically retired by force, as the jerseys were no longer in possession of the school. We pretty much just jacked our jerseys into forced retirement. So, for the following years, the team had to make due. You can now see running backs with the number 76 (like the dude in the picture) or a lineman with the number 34. It's like 1920's football style. Sadly, this past season, they ordered all new jerseys. Those sons of bitches.
And finally, a little something extra. This didn't happen when me or Nick played for Libertyville. In fact, we were both around 11 or 12 when it happened. The old head coach, Coach Christensen, found himself down by a few touchdowns at half time in during the second round of the playoffs. In order to inspire his teamates, he took out a very real looking starter pistol and shot it in the locker room. Now here's the fun part. He had this idea already worked out with his starting quarterback before hand, so when he fired it, it was aimed at the QB. The quarterback fell down and didn't move, pretending he was dead. The Coach Christensen yelled something to the extent of "This is what happens when you don't play Wildcat football." Inspired? No. Instead, a couple players and coaches slammed him into the locker and took the gun from his hands. The QB got up and the whole thing was explained. The Cats then proceeded to get crushed in the second half and Coach Christensen was fired immediatly.
Monday, November 10, 2008
Thursday, November 6, 2008
Monday, November 3, 2008
Friday, October 31, 2008
Monday, October 27, 2008
I can't wait until Ozzie starts his political career...I'd pay good money to watch an Ozzie v. Palin debate.
Actually, Guillen would probrably just hit on her.
Or perhaps just hit her.
Sunday, October 26, 2008
Thursday, October 23, 2008
Monday, October 20, 2008
Sunday, October 12, 2008
- when a defender "leaves" his hand(s) on an opponent
- when a defender repeatedly touches an opponent
- when a defender places two hands on an opponent
- when a defender continually "jabs" an opponent
- when an illegal armbar is used on an opponent
Sunday, October 5, 2008
- I forever curse the Detroit Pistons for as long as 'Sheed continues to run around like a seven year old after he gets a traveling call. They will be forced to play in Detroit for all eternity!
- If Tony Kornheiser doesn't stop bringing up Brett Favre and how much of a gun slinger he is during Monday Night Football when the Jets aren't even playing, then I curse him to be forced to work only with Shannon Sharpe, calling 9 man football games in Nebraska for the rest of his days.
- I curse the Dallas Cowboys to have Jessica Simpson become their new defensive coordinator if my friend Travis doesn't stop saying things like "There is a hole in the roof at Texas Stadium so God can watch his team."
- If Jay Mariotti doesn't find a new city to ruin then I forever curse him to have to live in an apartment with Hawk Harrelson.
- And finally, Carmen Electra will never win an oscar until she marries me. So far this one is working pretty good actually.
There is no Santa Claus, The Stork didn't drop you off at your parents doorstep, and there is no such thing as curses.
Grow up people.
Monday, September 29, 2008
What I Love And Hate About The 2008 Chicago White Sox
What I Hate...
There is a lot to throw up about when talking about the 2008 Chicago White Sox. For one, if there is a more streaky team in the MLB, well, they should be sent down to Triple A. The same Sox team that took 2 of 3 from hands down the best team in the MLB, the Angels, will then get labeled by the bottom feeding Royals in Chicago. I know this sort of thing happens in baseball, but it seems the Sox are at their best when games don't matter.
They had to take 2 of 3 from the Indians, a team they slapped around all season, to pass the Twins and make the playoffs.
This, apparently, proved to be impossible.
While on the topic of the Twins, here is a little fun fact. The Sox have over 100 more homeruns this year then the Twins, yet the Twins have more RBI's.
This speaks volumes. Dye, Thome, Konerko. Slow, slower, slowest. AJ can't run either, neither can most of the team. How does White Sox GM Kenny Williams adress this problem? Trading for Ken Griffey Jr. of course!
Don't get me wrong, the move was cool for name dropping purposes, but it did nothing to make the Sox any less dependent on the long ball. The very idea of "Ozzie Ball" is meaningless these days because Kenny Williams has made it impossible to play that style of baseball.
No one can steal a base, no one can beat out a throw, no one can turn a pop fly into a sac-fly.
Save for Alexei Ramirez and maybe Orlando Cabrera, you'd be hard pressed to call most of the Sox squad athletes.
Then there is Javier Vasquez. Could he be any less clutch? I couldn't care less how many K's he's tossed this year, the man can't win an important game to save his life. How is he going to contribute in the playoffs if the Sox make them? They are ALL big games.
And lets not forget Carlos Quentin. Yes, he has been amazing this year and looks like he's going to be helping the White Sox for a long time. That doesn't change the fact that the dude injured himself a month before the season ended in a tight race against the Twins. Sorry you popped out Carlos, but it's going to happen. A lot. Punching your bat until you fracture something is not only insane and stupid but it's also embarrassing. You were the leading MVP candidate.
What I Love...
They circle the wagon better then any team in baseball. Get drubbed in Tampa? Ozzie will freak out and they go on a winning streak. Star player takes himself out? Struggling vet Paul Konerko steps it up and bats .380 in September. ESPN analysts start demanding Ozzie's job over demeaning locker room decorations? The team circles their manager and gives him their complete support.
They are less like a baseball team and more like Animal House, stuffing each other in lockers and slamming the game MVP with a shaving cream pie during their post game interviews.
They either got totally lucky or knew something no one did when they hit the jackpot with Carlos Quentin and Alexei Ramirez. They did the same with Gavin Floyd and John Danks. They took chances paying struggling vets Mark Buehrle and Jermaine Dye and both have paid off.
Speaking of taking chances, he may seem insane half of the time but you can't deny there is a method to Ozzie's madness. Whenever the Sox run into a wall Ozzie wigs out, drops a couple f-bombs and for whatever reason they start winning again. Call it taking the heat off his players, call it making his players and coaching staff fearing for their jobs, it just works.
And at the end of the day, as many games as the White Sox have blown this year, they just refuse to go away. Like Peter Gammons said going into the Sox-Tigers game that Chicago pulled out to force a one game playoff against the Twins, there is just something about the "prickly" nature of the White Sox that makes them dangerous when their backs are against the wall.
And special for this post...
What I Better See...
If the Sox are getting pounded by the Twins in the tie breaker game, I better see a bench clearing brawl. Why not? If you can't make the playoffs, why not beat up on a team that will? What are they going to do, suspend you for games that you aren't going to play? I'm thinking A.J. sucker punches Carlos Gomez when he's standing at the plate, or maybe Ozzie Guillen could kick an unsuspecting Twins bat boy in the knee cap.
If you can't beat them, beat them up.