Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Six-sburgh ain't Shit-sburgh

It's been a while... I took a little breaky break but post-Superbowl monkey business has driven me from my cave and I must jibba-jabba about something...

The Stealers are not the best franchise in pro sports...

Shut the hell up Chris Berman and company, stop over-hyping the Steal Curtain with the already hype happy hype-o-rama that is ESPN.

Ok, so they have won 6 Superbowls... I'm not saying that isn't impressive. But let's take a step back from all the hoopla and take a look at the facts...

Six Superbowls

One more than the Dallas Cowboys and the San Francisco 49ers, who both have won five.

Not exactly all that dominant.

Six Superbowls

Same amount of Word Championships as the Chicago Bulls. The Bulls also had the greatest player in NBA history, Michael Jordan. They also have the greatest single season record (72-10) which, one could argue, would make the 95-96 Bulls the greatest NBA team of all time.

You then have the 14-time World Champion Los Angeles Lakers. Now, if you are like me, you don't really count championships won before the NBA-ABA merger, but that still leaves the Lakers with eight legit-Championships. This post merger way of thinking leaves the 17 time champs the Boston Celtics with seven legit-titles. Either way you look at it, post or pre-merger, all three franchises, the Celtics, the Lakers, and the Bulls, are superior to the Stealers.

Six Superbowls

Since the Stanley Cup became the de jure championship trophey in 1947, the Edmonton Oilers have won five, The Toronto Maple Leafs have won eight, the Detroit Red Wings have won nine, and the Montreal Canadiens have won 17. Again, Edmonton is only one shy and the rest are without a doubt more accomplished franchises than the Stealers.

Six Superbowls

Compared to Baseball that isn't all that impressive. The San Francisco Giants, the Pittsburgh Pirates, and the Cincinnati Reds each have five World Series titles. The Los Angeles Dodgers have six. The Boston Red Sox have seven. The Oakland Athletics have nine. The St. Louis Cardinals have 10.

And then there is the Yankees. The Evil Empire has 26 World Series titles. 26. And I'm supposed to be impressed by the Stealers bringing in 6. That would make them tied for fifth in the MLB.

How any human being capable of breathing and walking at the same time can honestly say the Stealers, with their six World Championships, are some how better than the Yankees and their 26, is unforgivable. I mean come on, the Yankees have 20 more World titles than the Terrible Towel posse.

I know I'm picking on a man who's favourite way to describe things that make him feel funny are "WHOOOOOP" but even for him this is cave man business. Question though, what sounds do you think Berman makes when he's freaking the sheets?



"I COULD BE... I MIGHT BE... I AM!!!!"


"Wow......well... Back to you Steve..."

Sick... His wife Kathy must be a freak.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

A Punch Is A Punch

What am I missing?

Everyone loves a good hockey fight. It doesn't matter if your a hockey aficionado or a puck and stick virgin, when people start beating on each other, America stops and watches. MMA fights, middle school recess scuffles, Jerry Springer love triangles, you name it, if it's got faces gets kicked in we eat it up dig it and we dig it hard.

I mean say what you want about hockey, this is just fun to watch.

Announcers love it, fans love it, toothless Canadian players love it.

And who doesn't love a good baseball beat down? Hard slide, hit by a pitch, boredom, baseball fights have a lot of causes and go a long way to spicing up rivalry games and a brutally long season.

Yes, fights are seemingly all good in sports. That is, unless it's the NBA.
Remeber the Nuggets-Knicks fight? Suspensions for everyone and condemnation by all.

And it wasn't even a fight so much as it was a slap and tickle

The announcers didn't seem to dig it very much.

Then there was the WNBA brawl from last season.
Now, maybe the NBA is trying to keep a clean image after the Artest situation

You never want your players fighting your fans. Any league would suspend their players until the cows come home right? No league would let player-fan fights slide...

Do any of you even remeber this happening? I sure don't. Tie Domi wasn't publicly crucified that's for sure. Why is that?

Fan abuse is, I guess, cool in the almost all white NHL, but demonized in the primarily black NBA.

What I'm driving at is brawling is celebrated in most baseball and especially hockey. Prolific fighters are given names like "enforcer". In the NBA, if one punch is thrown, the player becomes a "thug" in the eyes of the sporting world. Carmelo? A thug? Did you see the fight? Go with your guy instinct on this next question. Do you think Artest is a thug? If so, why? Because he punched a fan who dumped beer on him? Wouldn't you do the same if someone did that to you?
Sports brawls are fun, but they stop being fun when you demonize players because of their race. The NBA wouldn't suspend players like 'Melo for 15 games (the sixth longest in NBA history) over a slap if they didn't think they had to for PR reasons. Why would the NBA have a bad image that needed protecting? Could it be that it's considered a league full of gang bangers by the weak minded and dim witted that make up a scarily heavy portion of the American population?

Maybe it's just me, but the double standard in public perception of sports brawls reaks of racism.


Monday, December 8, 2008

Cities That Make Me Feel Good About My Many Failures

The Worst Sports Cities Of The Moment

As of Monday, December 8th, 2008, the saddest sports cities, in my opinion...

Bad: Kansas City

Two teams, two worthless masses of wasted athlete. The Chiefs were once good, believe it or not. Now they exist only to make Tony Gonzalez cry into his pillow at night as he feverishly texts his agent to try and find a way out of Arrowhead for good.

And the Royals? God they're almost adorable. They try so hard and yet accomplish so very little. But hey, they just signed Coco Crisp so maybe they will see a spike in jersey sales. Maybe then they will have some extra dough to spend on someone who will actually make a difference.

Ugly Bad: The Entire Bay Area

I'm going to combine San Francisco and Oakland here because they are so close and suck so very, very much. The City by the Bay boasts the Giants and the 49ers. The Giants have one good player, Aaron Rowand, who likes to take himself out every other season by ramming his skull through the outfield wall. The 49ers have gone from a sexy sleeper pick a few years ago to a team that struggles to grab victory in the pathetic NFC West. As a side note, what were the football Gods thinking when they blessed the people of San Francisco with all those Superbowl victories? Those are the fans that get the hardware? Wouldn't those titles be better appreciated in a more blue collar city like Cleveland or Detroit or, I don't know, CHICAGO!

Then there is Oakland. Not only would I not want to live there, but I wouldn't want to attend any games. The A's aren't terrible, but they like to annoy they're fans by growing players and then selling them off at a rate only matched by the Minnesota Twins. And of course they're are the Raiders. Al Davis is Hell bent on killing the Raiders before nature kills him. Opposing teams are more scared of Oakland fans then they are of Oakland players.

I also have to include the team that represents both cities, the Golden State Warriors. They are pretty good but they just lost they're best player to a division rival now that Baron Davis is a Los Angeles Clipper.

Nickelback Bad: Detroit

I don't know what is being evacuated at a faster clip, Detroit's sports stadiums or the city itself. I know, the Pistons are almost always contenders but they are below .500 since trading Finals MVP Chauncey Billups to the Nuggets for Allen "We talkin' bout practice!" Iverson. The Red Wings really keep Detroit from being higher, or should I say lower, on the list. Any good the Pistons and the Red Wings have done has been off set by two of the most garbage feeding teams in their respective sports. I'm of course talking about the Tigers of the MLB and the Lions of the NFL.

The Tigers blew Yankee money on Dontrelle Willis and Miguel Cabrera from the Marlins, mix them with guys like Justin Verlander, Magglio Ordonez, and Curtis Granderson, and have them coached by Sam Elliot twin Jim Leyland, and what to they get? 74-88, 14.5 games out of first place. They actually finished behind the Royals!

But compare them to the Lions and they seem like the Durham Bulls after Tim Robbins started banging Susan Sarandon. I mean they are seriously going to go 0-16! How is this even possible? The 1976 Tampa Bay Buccaneers went 0-13, and alums of that ill-fated squad have to be psyched. For so long they have been the worst team in NFL history, but I really think that's going to change. No one remembers the second crappiest team ever. What's odd to me is how possibly the worst team in NFL history may have the best reciever in the league in Calvin Johnson. But they are truly that bad. Want to hear a funny joke?

The Detroit Lions.
That's the punchline.

Jonas Brothers mixed with Nikelback bad: Lincolshire, specifically Stevenson High School.

Yeah David Jaffe, I said it. Stevenson sucks the hard one. Why? Here are a couple reasons.

1) Whenever we played them in football, we had to play on Thursday nights because Stevenson wouldn't play on Rosh Hashanah or Boxing Day or whatever. They got the Friday off, we didn't. You have no idea how bad that Friday sucked.

2) Their entire offensive line had such brutal acne that I almost vomited into my mouth guard every time they tried to double team me.

3) Stevenson head ball coach Bill Mitz was so sick of getting curb stomped by Libertyville in football that he joined his sons high schools coaching staff in a cute attempt to beat us. He failed though, and I ruined his day double style when I sprained his son's knee with a TOTAL cheap shot after he kicked a punt. My coaches were happy and my parents were ashamed.



The Mariners are a terrible collection of weakness. They need to ship out Ichiro and rebuild for the 2019 season.

The Seahawks are turning in one of their worst seasons in recent memory, in coach Mike Holmgren's final season. Once again, if you struggle to compete in the NFC West, I think you should be suspended, as a team, for a full year.

The worst thing though, is the brutal injustice that is the Oklahoma City Thunder.

Is there a more soul crushing turn of events for a fan then to have your team taken from you and repackaged into another team all together? As a Bulls fan, I remember the Bulls fighting tooth and nail against a Gary Payton and Shawn Kemp led Supersonics.

It's just sad, I don't even want to be a smart ass about it. I couldn't imagine what I would be feeling right now if one of my teams moved to Tulsa or something like that.

Look at the Thunder. Their name sounds like an AFL team and their uniforms scream NBA Europe.

Sonics fans were seriously sports raped.

My heart goes out to Seattle fans. You truly live in the worst sports town in America.

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

You Don't Mess With Jack Bauer's Daughter

Things in sports that have pissed me off as of late...
1. Weis, Charlie. WHY? He basically has the same record as Ty Willingham, who they drop kicked out of South Bend. He gets these amazing recruiting classes each year (correct me if I'm wrong but this past one was 8th overall?). He tells people that Notre Dame has a "strategic advantage" over every team in the country because of his big bad Patriots brain.
Remember when you hated Notre Dame because they were arrogant and GOOD?

It's not even fun to watch them fail anymore, because that's all they seem to do. He only won when he had Quinn and the rest of Ty Willingham's last recruiting class. He hasn't recruited winners and he hasn't coached with any sort of sucess. He got a 10 year extension because he almost beat USC.

As a proud member of the Irish American persuasion, I'm insulted that a team named after my people has turned into such a joke. Irish people stab you with a broken pool cue, they don't get slapped by Syracuse. Period. Fire his ass or change your name to the Fighting Welsh.

2. Sean Avery isn't allowed to speak. If you don't watch the NHL, allow me to bring you up to speed. The NHL's Dennis Rodman Sean Avery was suspended by the league for naughty things he said about his ex-girlfriend indefinitely.

What did he say about Elisha Cuthbert of 24 that got him benched with no end in site?

He said that Dion Phaneuf of Calgary was getting his "sloppy seconds" and that it was becoming a common thing for guys in the league to fall in love with his "sloppy seconds".
Oh Lord everyone grab your bibles and start saying the "Our Father" backwards.

Was it that bad? The Dallas Stars didn't suspend him, the frickin' league did. Hockey, where you can kick the crap out of eachother and get two minutes on the bench is telling a guy to stay home because he wasn't nice to his ex?
Why does everyone have to be Captain America these days? Whats wrong with having some bad guys floating around in our sports leagues? So an adult said somethig bad about another adult, who cares. And don't give me that crap about being a bad role model. You let your 7 year old watch hockey for christ sake. What is the NHL saying? Fighting? Good. Not being a gentleman? SUSPENSION!!!
Sean Avery isn't even that scary. The dude is an intern for Vogue Magazine in the off season. You want to suspend him over a comment he made? Suspend him for this one...
"You do suits and pants and that's about that. Women's clothes tell a story. That's what's interesting to me."
And on Elisha Cuthbert, to quote Tony Kornheiser of PTI and Mondy Night Football.

On Elisha Cuthbert...
"Everyone who was watching season one of 24 was rooting for the mountain lion to eat her."
3. Plaxi.....never mind I won't even touch that...

New 3. I can't stand Lebron James for a number of reasons. I think he's overrated, I think he's soft, and he's so full of himself that he actually thinks he's the second coming of Michael Jordan, something the someone as hated as Kobe Bryant won't even do.
But this New York crap is getting out of hand even for him. He told New York fans to wait because in two years it's "Gonna be a big day". What the Hell? Your on the Cavs you jackass! Your winning! Who cares where you play the goal should be winning a championship. You know, that big trophy thing they hand out at the end of the year for the best team in the NBA? You know, the thing Jordan held up 6 times.

The man, the round-mound-of-rebound himself Sir Charles Barkley said it best when Dan Patrick asked him about the New York-Lebron James relationship...

""If I was LeBron James, I would shut the hell up (...) I'm getting so annoyed he's talking about what he's going to do in two years. I think it's disrespectful to the game. I think it's disrespectful to the Cavaliers."

Amen brother.
Lebron then had the balls to call the Hall of Famer "stupid".
And in the words of Sir Charles, that's just "trrrrrrrrrrble"

Sunday, November 16, 2008

Lovable? Maybe. Losers? Oh Yes.

Hey Chicago Whaddya Say, The Cubs Are Gonna W...Yeah, Doubt It.

The Cubs suck. Period. Here are a few reasons why...
1) They haven't won a World Series in a century. Wrap your dome around that. Not in a 100 years. How is that even possible? I mean how any team's fans can actually argue that their team is one of the great baseball franchises when their team hasn't won in 100 years just blows my mind. In 10 years the Tampa Rays got closer to winning the big one then the Cubs have post WWII. I should be able to end the blog right here and still have proven my point, but I won't.
2) No one is afraid of a baby bear. It's a freakin' infant animal. When confronted in the wilderness, it would roll over on it's back and look cute. Why would you pick an animal that needs protection from it's mother to survive?
That's not to say that all mascots must be a scary animal, but they should at the very least be cool. I'm a White Sox fan, and yeah, no one is afraid of a sock either. But we haven't been the White Stockings in a long, long time. What is a "Sox"? Nothing really. It represents their old uniforms from back in the day, so it means something to the franchise. a cub? I mean for a team that old, they pretty much had an open field to choose from. They could have been anything. Yet, they chose a cub to represent the spirit of their organization, which apparently is laying on your back and crying when confronted by danger, which now that I think of it, actually makes sense.
3) Wrigley Field is an overrated toilet. You heard me, Wrigley sucks. Everyone in sports is always waxing poetic about the place, and I just don't see it. The place is falling apart, literally. They need nets to protect fans from falling debris.
Not to mention, you have to piss in a trough. If I wanted to piss in a trough, I would drive ten minutes north, sneak onto a farmers property, and let one go in the trough where he feeds his pigs. I know Soldier Field used to have a trough, but they upgraded, you know, to human bathrooms. You know what sounds fun to me? standing sandwiched between to strangers, hips touching, and whipping my wang out. I have a little rule of thumb; I don't touch my penis when other men are touching me. Call me old fashioned, but it's just a little something I live by.
"But Sean, what about the Ivy?" What about it? Weeds. Cool. My neighbor has ivy on their house. Maybe I should save a ton of money next time a friend wants to go to a Cubs game by just getting hammered drunk and standing on my neighbor's lawn and scream half retarded nonsense at his ivy covered siding.
What about the history? What history? See point 1).
Heres a thought...Take all that mad money that the Cubs organization has, and instead of throwing it at an overrated player from Japan, invest in some better facilities, you know, before the place gets condemed.
And enough about the purity of Wrigley field. As far as i'm concerned, the Cubs where the first team to ever sell out to a corporation. Wrigley is named for Wrigly gum people.
Ozzie is right. Wrigley blows.
4) They think they are cursed. Nope. No curse. Your team just chokes on it every chance they get.
5) They blame a playoff melt-down on a fan. Steve Bartman didn't do anything wrong. He did exactly what every other fan in the world would have done. If a ball is flying towards you, your going to grab it. Don't lie. We all would have done the same thing. Moises Alou recently admited that he wouldn't have caught the ball anyway.

The Cubs went on to get beat down in that game. And the next game? Same result. The Cubs lost to the Marlins, Bartman didn't beat anyone. Typical Cubs though, there always has to be some cute excuse for everything, something you can market. So they blow up the Bartman ball and yada yada yada. Grow up people.
Same garbage with the whole "Lovable Loser" crap. There is nothing lovable about sucking. And lets be honest, the Cubs aren't some sort of sweet underdog. They have tons of money that they have no problem throwing around Yankee/Red Sox style. They have a lot and do very little with it. For crying out loud they have a newspaper (Chicago Tribune) that owns them and is more bias in support of their Cubbies than FOX news is for Republicans.

6) Please stop showing Jim Belushi all the time. He sucks at everything. His brother John is funnier, and he's dead.
While your at it, stop showing old people and children crying whenever the Cubs blow it in the playoffs. It's getting real old. We get it. People are going to die without ever seeing the Cubbies win. Guess what, that's happened to many fans of many teams. Get over it.
7) The uniforms are way too girly for their own good. Really? Red, white, and blue? God that's corny.
8) Lou Piniella needs to be put down like his name is Old Yeller. He goes into post game interviews not knowing how his team won or lost the game. Is he taking a nappy nap in the dugout? And then you have his adorable freak outs. They are a lot less scary/angry and a lot more cute/sad.

For real, if I have to watch him trot around in his tight uniform, gut hanging past his junk, I'm going to seriously consider getting my retinas removed.
9) That song makes angels rape themselves. "Go Cubs Go" is the least catchy song that has ever been written. If it had been written during WWII, I have no doubt Hitler would have used it against the Polish.
10) Revisionist History. Cubs fans rag on Sosa and act like they didn't worship him a couple of years ago. I built and drove the Sammy Sosa Hate Wagon. It pisses me off that there are now so many people in the back seat.

And don't even get me started on Michael Barrett. Yeah he sucks and needed to go and tried to fight Zambrano and all that good stuff, but I remember a time when Cubs fans used to worship him like some sort of Rocky/Bruce Lee/Jack Bauer Jesus child all because he got sad that A.J. Pierzynski ran him over and he got cranky and limp wrist slapped him. Not to mention, he then got himself tackled and choked out by tiny Scott Podsednik. Now that I think about it, the Cubs in general are pretty weak at throwing down. Did anyone see when Derrek Lee tried to throw down last season? He wiffed on every punch, and it was against a scrawny pitcher. Soft.

I could go on all night, but I've got a feeling that most of the class is offended enough with 10 reasons.
Maybe Next Year? I wouldn't hold my breath.


Thursday, November 13, 2008

Oh Sweet Youth...

Coach J Laying Down the Law
My senior year in football was very memorable for me for a number of reasons. I was a defensive captain, we won state (after losing in double overtime in the state game the previous year), we were the last team to play on the old field, and other on the surface reasons. I don't want to talk about winning games though or getting tackles, because really, no one cares. So instead, I talked to one of my best friends and a former teamate, Nick Krietman. We basically broke down some of funnier moments that happened off the field (or at least off the game field), and that are kosher enough to print in a school ran blog.

So in no particular order...
  • It was about half way through the season. We were doing the standard kick off-kick return run through that I'm sure every team in the country drones through without giving anything much thought. Towards the end, our head coach, Randy Kuceyeski, freaked out. He threw his clip board, tossed his hat off, and charged onto the field, getting in the face of our starting middle linebacker Matt Norcia. They were forehead to forehead. "You want to keep up that bullshit effort? Keep it up then you shit" or something to that extent. Norcia wasn't having it. He threw off his helmet and basically told the coaching staff to f**k off and that he quit. Everyone let out a collective "oh shit" as he marched off the field towards the lockerrooms. Who was going to play middle? I sure as hell didn't want to move from defensive tackle to linebacker, I didn't know the playbook well enough to call audibles. No one really did. The back ups were no good, and you can't have an underclassmen trying to run a very complicated defense. All anyone could talk about for the rest of practice was how screwed we were. A little while later, Norcia came running back on the field with a retarded grin on his face. Kuceyeski was laughing his ass off as well. They had planned the whole thing. Why? I don't know. They rehearsed the whole thing before practice. Funny, but not cool at all.
  • My buddy Nick was not your typical offensive guard. He was a vegan, which means he not only doesn't eat meat, but any product that comes from animals, like milk or cheese. Also, he is an anarchist. So yeah, not exactly Rudy. The head offensive line coach and offensive coordinator, Karl Jenrich, was about as "movie" style coach as you could hope for. Crew Cut? Check. Mid-shin socks? Check. Hardass? Check. Thinking Nick is possibly retarded? Double Check. Coach J, as we called him, was a fan of telling players in his dog house that he was going to go "get a stick" and then beat them with it. He never actually did this, until he met Nick. Neither one of us remember what caused it all, maybe he forgot the snap count one to many times or maybe Nick just wouldn't shut up, who knows, probrably both. Long story short, Coach J stomped off to a little patch of forest on the edge of our practice field, and moments later, game back with a solid looking stick. It was more of a baby log really. Nick just sort of looked at him and laughed like it was, I don't know, a joke. It wasn't. Lucky for Nick, he was wearing a helmet, as Coach J proceeded to crack him upside the head three, maybe four times, with an actual freakin' stick. The one and only time, to our knowledge, that Coach J actually followed through with the stick threat.
  • Our QB Brett Lancaster had a thing for running around naked in the locker room. Now I realise that the locker room was created for that very purpose. It wasn't, however, made for dancing around by people's lockers and doing puppetry of the penis. On game days, we would go straight to the lockerroom after class and put on some workout clothes so we could warm up, go to meetings, get taped up, etc. Well, young Brett felt that this would be a wonderful time to try out a new, and very uncomfortable looking trick without his clothes on. Our nose guard, Greg Larsen, finally lost it. He grabbed Brett around the neck, dragged him a couple feet, and threw him out the locker room front door. Now keep in mind, our football locker room is right off the field. So it's outside. And class had just ended, so people were walking through the parking lot to get to their cars. Yeah, have a nice mental picture? Brett had to hide, naked, behind a bush outside the locker room doors for ten minutes as people passed by unaware of the naked gentleman in their midst because Greg had locked the door after he forced Brett out. Finally, a coach came by and let him in.
  • When our season ended, we were undefeated and state champs, so technically, we were the greatest team in school history. Naturally, we all felt like we deserved a little somethin' somethin'. Yet, the school AD didn't have any magical number retirement ceremony planned for us. We had to take matters into our own hands. So we did, through either purchases, gifts, or theft, every number of every starter was basically retired by force, as the jerseys were no longer in possession of the school. We pretty much just jacked our jerseys into forced retirement. So, for the following years, the team had to make due. You can now see running backs with the number 76 (like the dude in the picture) or a lineman with the number 34. It's like 1920's football style. Sadly, this past season, they ordered all new jerseys. Those sons of bitches.

And finally, a little something extra. This didn't happen when me or Nick played for Libertyville. In fact, we were both around 11 or 12 when it happened. The old head coach, Coach Christensen, found himself down by a few touchdowns at half time in during the second round of the playoffs. In order to inspire his teamates, he took out a very real looking starter pistol and shot it in the locker room. Now here's the fun part. He had this idea already worked out with his starting quarterback before hand, so when he fired it, it was aimed at the QB. The quarterback fell down and didn't move, pretending he was dead. The Coach Christensen yelled something to the extent of "This is what happens when you don't play Wildcat football." Inspired? No. Instead, a couple players and coaches slammed him into the locker and took the gun from his hands. The QB got up and the whole thing was explained. The Cats then proceeded to get crushed in the second half and Coach Christensen was fired immediatly.

Monday, November 10, 2008

Monday Night No Pants Dance

Monday Night Football Game Blog

San Francisco 49ers v. Arizona Cardinals


Will Kurt Warner Make Mike Singletary Get Naked?

Random Countdown notes: Ditka looks lost. Boomer asked the table what the Eagles did wrong in their loss to the Giants on Sunday. Everyone gives their thoughts, then it comes to Ditka. He freaks out because no one mentioned what the Giants did. Keyshawn fails to make Mike understand that they were talking about the Eagles team problems...

Silence ensues.

Later, Keyshawn mumbles something about Ditka not understanding a players perspective, seemingly unaware that Ditka is a Hall of Fame tight end. Ditka and Keyshawn seem to be trying to out dumb each other. I giggle.

ESPN shows the result of the last MNF game in Arizona, the Bears insane comeback capped off by a Devin Hester punt return. No points where scored by the Bears offense in the comeback. The best part? well...

Some one needs to put an end to that stupid little segment they do now where they do a quizz between a players wife and one of their teamates over who knows them better. You know the player is just going to give his wife all the answers beforehand so she doesn't look retarded on TV.

Commerical Alert---

A commerical for the Country Music Awards was aired, and the voice over claimed that the CMA Awards was "the one event that brings the whole country together". What the hell? Are you kidding me? half the country hates country music. I'm sure not going to watch it. No one would claim the Source Awards bring the entire country to their feet. I'm pretty sure that the people over 50 demographic will be doing something else. Same goes for the CMA Awards, only in this case, the much sought after "People with teeth" demographic will probably not be tuning in.

Anyone else creeped out by the MNF Countdown entrance video? You know, the one where the Countdown crew is walking all slow-badass like through a burning factory? Oooh, scary, A bunch of chubby old guys in ties trotting in a group like some geriatric Reservoir Dogs. It just looks sad.

Keyshawn Johnson compared Anquan Boldin to a young, well, him. I don't see it. I don't remember Keyshawn being that physical.

Every member of the Countdown squad picked the Cards, so basically none of them have any balls.

Hank Williams looks like someones drunk grandpa when he does/says "raise the roof" during the opening song. Also, I just can't look at him the same way after watching him campaign for Sarah Palin for the past few weeks. Ugh. See my comments on the CMA awards above.

And it begins...

Quarter 1

7:41- Allen Rossum just took back to opening kickoff for the 49ers. After all the crap being talked in the pregame about how amazing Arizona is, I kind of want to see them fall on their faces.
7:44- What ever happened to the sweet/retarded player led starter announcements? Now they just mumble them. Where is the MNF spice? They also stopped doing the celeb openings. Lame.

7:49- Rackers kicks one through and it's 7-3, and Sean is officially already bored.

7:56- Michael Robinson takes a snap out of the Wildcat Formation to get a 49ers first down. I love how everyone is now doing the Wildcat formation this season after the Dophins beat the Patriots using it. So much posing going on.

8:00-Commerical Alert---

I really don't get the new Bud Light commericals. The whole "there is a difference between us and other light beers" thing doesnt make sense to me. Who will just drink any beer? Doesn't everyone have a preference? Do you really need to spend money convincing people that Bud Light and Miller Light don't taste the same? Wouldn't it be money better spent to just come out and say "Miller Light taste like urine"?
8:02- The Cards just did their own Wildcat offense, a direct snap from Anquan Boldin. Speaking of Boldin, I was screwed by ESPN. Anquan Boldin was the best player on my fantasy team. When he got taken out against the Jets, everyone said his face was broken and he was done-zo. So I drop him, and suprise, he's back in pads a couple weeks later. What happened to the facial reconstruction surgery he was supposed to have? You can really bounce back that fast from a broken face? Jesus.

8:10-Challenge: Ruling on the field says Jason Hill's catch was incomplete as he landed out of bounds without possession. I think they're right but the 49ers, especially Mike Martz, don't. I also don't care. NFC West...End the madness.
8:12-Ruling on the field stands, so I'm right and, yet, I still don't care.

8:14- I'm owning in fantasy right now, and my opponent only has Edgerrin James left, who is playing second fiddle tonight to rookie Tim Hightower.

I'm above the law.

8:17- San Fran pulls off a reverse on the punt return and gets pretty solid yardage. As of right now, they are playing like they have nothing to lose, mostly because they don't.

End of Quarter note: Right now, Samurai Mike is showing Martz who wears the pants. They are running way more then passing.

Quarter 2

8:23-Josh Morgan pulls in a 30+ yard Shaun Hill pass and takes it in to put the 49ers up 14 to 3. I thought San Fran was supposed to crumble into a heap and piss themselves tonight? They must not have gotten the memo.

8:28- Michigan alum Steve Breaston caught a 44 yard pass from old man Warner, putting the Cards in the red zone.

8:29- Two plays after the Breaston bomb, Boldin snags a catch five yards or so out and runs it in to pull the cards within 4 (14-10).

8:34- Tony K just said he takes pain killers everyday and suddenly everything makes sense

8:36- The ad for the Thursday night Patriots-Jets game is really pissing me off. "Brett Favre has superpowers and is a hero and blah blah blah" give me a break. Can the nation please remove their collective lips from Brett Favre's Wranglers? Please? Also, can Tony K please stop giggling about Boldin's doctor vacationing in France. What is so funny? Again, the pain killer comment is making even more sense.

8:42 Commercial Alert---

Why does Gary Dolphin do commercials for IWireless? Everyone knows he can't use a computer.

8:44-Hightower "fumbles" but it looks like he was down. Arizona challenges...please make this quick. I'm going to channel flip aimlessly because I don't want to hear them ramble.

8:47-Challenge works and Arizona gets the ball back. I'm racked with joy.
8:48-Boldin just made a badass play. He made the catch, ran over the corner, cut, and ran another ten yards. Anquan Boldin and Hines Ward are the only two wide receivers that I would actually describe as mean.

8:50- Warner does NOT want to run. He had ten yards ahead of him and he instead chose to just hop around and throw it into the dirt as he was going down.

8:52- Rackers pops in a 30+ yarder and it's a 14-13 game.

8:55- Singletary said he wants the team to be a family. So...he takes his pants off in front of his family? Child Services, meet the Singletary kids.

8:57- Shaun Hill just ran for a first down, and it wasn't by sliding. He took on a Cardinal defender head on, lost his helmet a few yards shy of the first down marker, and kept running and then freaked out. Singletary just got a funny feeling in his pants. I instantly love Shaun Hill.

9:08- Vernon Davis made an awesome grab in the endzone, jumping over a good Adrian Wilson, for a 15 yard touchdown catch. He got out of Singletary's dog house for like 5 seconds, until Davis tossed off his helmet and got an unsportsmanlike conduct penalty. Singletary gave him a hug though so I think it's all good. 21-13.

9:11-The Cards just screw up the kick off and get the ball on what looks like the 8 with 26 seconds left. They got in shotgun for some retarded reason. Nothing happens though and they get a boo train running to the endzone.

End of Half note: The Cards are getting out hustled, out worked, and basically punked out by an inferior team. Singletary's methods are looking pretty genius right now.

Quarter 3

9:30-I missed a little of the Cards drive because I was watching South Park. What are you going to do, it's the NFC West.

9:33- The Cards go for it on 4th down and Warner hits Fitzgerald on a quick slant for a touchdown and are trailing the 49ers by 1. I love the call. You have to go for it on 4th and 1 in the redzone when you trailing an upset minded team.

9:39-Martz just called a run play on 3rd and 4 and it worked. Could you imagine the Detroit Martz calling a run on 3rd and 4?

9:40- Vernon Davis totally could have dove for a touchdown catch but didn't because he's soft. Period.

9:43- Singeltary and Martz are now screaming at eachother over whether or not to kick a field goal or go for it. They kick it and it's good, making it 24-20. Not sure who wanted to do what.

9:46-Singletary and Martz are hugging it out. Boy am I relieved.

9:53- Jaws "I thought this was a contact sport" amen brother. Anquan Boldin brushed the corner on the arm as he was cutting and apparently that was offensive pass interference. Weak.

9:56- Tony K is making fun of Cards fans for booing because they haven't been good in a while. That makes sense.

9:59- Antrel Rolle just picked off a Hill pass and took it back for 6. He did a sweet back flip and everything but it didn't matter. Defensive offsides. That's just ugly.

10:00-No worries, the very next play Hill lost the ball when he crashed into an offensive lineman and the Cards fell on it. Arizona ball in the redzone.

end of quarter note-Tony K hasn't mentioned Brett Favre even once. Do I dare jinx it?

10:06-Daily Show update---

"Sarah Palin is so dumb she thinks Soy Milk is spanish for 'I am Milk'".

10:08-Kurt Warner pretty much just intentionally grounded the ball but managed to cry to the ref enough to make the ref very audibly say "Relax Kurt" and called off the penalty. Field goal, 23-24 San Fran.

10:22- Anquan Boldin gets more yards after the first hit then I think i've ever seen for a reciever. The dude is way too much man for the NFC West.

10:29- Once again, a Cardinals pick six gets taken back from someone jumping offsided. They just don't deserve to win this game.

10:32-Karlos Dansby just picked off Shaun Hill and took it down to what looks like the 6. They have played like garbage but it looks like in spite of themselves the Cards might pull this one out.

10:34-Quick pass to Boldin results in a touchdown, his 10th of the season. Now for the two-point...

10:37-False start...the Cards are killing themselves with penalties tonight. Second attempt at 2 points...

10:37-Mark Roman breaks up a pass intended for Larry Fitzgerald to keep the game at 24-29 in favor of Arizona.

10:41-A possible pass interference call gets erased because the ball was tipped at the line. I've never heard of that rule.

10:42- The 49ers are challenging the deflection.

10:43- Now they aren't I guess because the flag they threw for pass interference was an accident. Why must they torture me.

10:44- The 49ers drive continues with a stupid late hit by Dansby. Super blatant and is just one of many penalties that could cost the Cards the game.

10:45-The Cards just jumped offsided. If they win this game it will be because the football gods have intervened. The Cards are playing a very stupid game.

10:47- The ref got in the way of Frank Gore making a catch. How do these refs seem to always get in the way?

10:47- Jason Hill made a sick catch to keep the drive alive, diving out of bounds and dragging his feet.

10:48- San Fran just got a holding call and this is turning into a badly coached high school game with the 354369954876 penalty of the game between the two teams.
10:50- Another penalty. I don't know what it is. I don't care. I flipped the channel for a few so I wouldn't find out. Call it a protest flip.

10:50- Big pass to practice squad guy Zeigler.

10:51- Shaun Hill attempts a shuttle pass and it gets picked off by Adrian Wilson. That should be all she wrote. More importantly, Mike Tirico called the shuttle pass a "Brett Favre" shuttle pass. Why? Of course, Tony K jumps in and happily giggles "BRETT FAVRE PASS" and I reach for the revolver under my pillow.

10:55-Stuart Scott hyped up the post game that I'm without a doubt not going to watch.

10:56-I've been watching a game that I'm not interested in for hours now, knowing full well I have to write a paper still about the Mahdi Army in Iraq. I know nothing of these people.

10:59-Jason Hill grabs a 10 yard reception and the 49ers actually have a chance here. Problem is, Frank Gore is out with an injury.

11:00-Jason Hill grabs another one and now San Fran is on the 15.

11:01-Jason Hill makes the catch and jukes a defender, taking it down to what looks like the 1.

11:01- Timeout Arizona. Somewhere I can hear Dennis Green screaming "We let 'em off the HOOK!!!!"

11:03-Gore is back in teh game and runs wide, going down at the 1. Hill barely gets the offense lined up to spike the ball with 2 seconds left.

11:05- Spot is reset at the 2 with 4 seconds left. The 49ers sprint to get the play off, run up the middle and are stuffed. Damn. That's a kick to the step kids. For some reason they give the ball to Michael Robinson instead of Frank Gore and they pay for it. Big goal line stand.

End of the game note-The Cardinals didn't deserve to win this game. Yeah, Kurt played great, so did Boldin, but they made so many retarded mistakes that it was really pretty embarrassing. That, and Kurt Warner is one of those dudes that has to do a lot of Jesus name dropping in postgame interviews, and that just annoys the Hell out of me. In protest, I'm never going to watch another NFC West game again all season.