Friday, October 31, 2008

Cool Glasses Joe Maddon...

Everyone seemed to cry for the Rays. I didn't.

Why I Love That The Phillies Stomped The Rays...

1) The Phillies fans have suffered more. I know right? How could I say that? Every commentator and his grandma have told me how much it sucks to be a Rays fan but here is the reality of it all...

They have only been around for a decade. The Rays organization started in 1998. So they haven't won a World Series in a whole decade. What a tragedy. The White Sox won in 2005, not having won the series since 1917.

The Phillies won it in 1980, so have waited 28 years to bring the trophy home. What I'm saying is, take some lumps as a franchise before you cry about not winning the series. Rays fans don't deserve it yet.

2) Charlie Manuel was born in 1944. He's an old mother.

The Phillies manager is also a huge badass. Manuel has survived a heart attack, quadruple bypass surgery, and cancer During his time with the Indians, he coached in the dugout with a colostomy bag beneath his jacket.

He can't be killed by conventional methods.

Joe Maddon is a dork. All that zen crap was cool when Phil Jackson started it with the Bulls back in the day. I like my coaches crazy and heart attack prone.

3) They actually changed their name from the Devil Rays to just the Rays. Are you kidding me? Has our society become so bible thumpy that teams are making their team names more God friendly? Who made this move? Sarah Palin?

4) Philidelphia is a way better sports city. Tampa fans watch "Murder She Wrote". Philly fans boo Santa. End of story.

5) CowBells

6) The Rays took out the White Sox...that troubles me.

7) The Phillies won me over when they played a song about fish made for toddlers when the Rays players were being introduced at Citizens Bank Park. Classic.

8) Uh...this

9) The RayHawk

10) Philidelphia gave us this...

When it comes down to it, I just hate cute media stories. As sick as it sounds, I was pretty happy when my Bears owned the Saints in the playoffs a couple years back, ending their feel good story about how by winning games, some how New Orleans was being saved.

Now that I think about it, I think there is something really wrong with my moral compass.
I'm going to the barber to get a RayHawk and make this right...

Monday, October 27, 2008

The Oz-Man's Greatest Hits

Ozzie Guillen. You either love him or hate him. I love him. One, I'm a White Sox fan, one of about 15 i'm pretty sure. Secondly, say what you want about him, he isn't boring. So...

My Top Ten Favorite Ozzie Guillen Freakouts

1) Ozzie v. Mariotti- After call up pitcher Sean Tracey refused to plunk a batter in retaliation during a White Sox-Ranger game, Ozzie threw a tantrum, causing former Chicago Sun-Times columnist Jay Mariotti to call Ozzie childish. Ozzie's response was the most Ozzie-esq he has ever dealt out, and had without a doubt the craziest aftermath.

"What a peice of s**t he is a f**king f*g"
Ozzie later claimed he did not know the slur he threw out was a slur for a homosexual, that in his home country of Venezuela that the word means "dumb guy". He was fined and forced to attend "sensitivity training". The circus that followed was even greater then the quote, culminating in Ozzie Guillen's homosexual hair dresser defending him in the news.

2) Ozzie v. Magglio- Following former White Sox star Magglio Ordonez's departure for the Detroit Tigers, Ozzie was asked his opinion of his former outfielder. His response?

"He's a piece of s**t. He's another Venezuelan mother f**ker. F**k him. He thinks he's got an enemy? No, he's got a big one. He knows I can f**k him over in a lot of different ways. He better shut the f**k up and just play for the Detroit Tigers. Why do I have to go over and even apologize to him? Who the f**k is Magglio Ordonez? What did he ever do for me? He didn't do s**t for me."
Followed by...
He f**ked with the wrong guy, and he knows that, too. He knows for a fact that he f**ked with the wrong people."
A close second to the Mariotti blowup. A very close second.

3) Ozzie v. Rich Hill- After the infamous Barett-Pierzynski punch that led to a Cubs-Sox brawl, Cubs pitcher Rich Hill told the media that he thought Peirzynski's hard slide was "Gutless" and "Pathetic". Ozzie?
"Tell that Triple-A b**ch to shut the f**k up," Guillen said. "Tell him to start throwing some strikes or he's going to get Dusty (Baker) fired."
Funny considering how Baker's career turned out in Chicago.

4) Ozzie v. Showalter- A minor disagreement over a Ranger's reliever coaching first base leads to Ozzie ripping on Buck Showalter's playing career.
"He never even smelled a jock in the big leagues," Said Ozzie,"Mr. Baseball never even got a hit in Triple-A. I was a better player than him, I have more money than him and I'm better looking than him."
For me it's tough to top baseball managers arguing over who is hotter.

5) Ozzie v. Wendelstedt- Ozzie wasn't happy when Carlos Lee was called out on a stolen base. His opponent? Second generation MLB umpire Harry Wendelstedt. Ozzie allegedly spit tobacco juice on Wendelstedt's face and informed him that...

"You're not even a pimple on your daddy's ass."

Great because he seemingly spit tobacco juice, which I didn't know was still allowed in baseball dugouts, in an umps face. Also sweet because he threw out a cross-generational diss.

6) Ozzie v. North- After A.J. Pierzynski complained about not starting in place of backup Toby Hall on Mike North's radio show 670 The Score, Ozzie actually called into the show to, er, explain his position. What ensued was a soliloquy chalk full of fun words. The highlight for me was the opening remarks...
Mike North: "How you doing, Ozzie?"
Ozzie Guillen: "Oh, shut the f**k up!"

7) Ozzie v. Duncan- Dodgers third base coach Mariano Duncan called Ozzie an embarassment to Latinos in baseball. Ozzie disagreed a little...
"Mariano Duncan never will be a big league manager and not because I ruined it for him. If Mariano Duncan thinks being a manager is making out the lineup and changing pitchers, he is real wrong."

8) Ozzie v. McCarthy- Former White Sox pitcher Brandon McCarthy said he is more comfortable on the Rangers because he was the only single player in Chicago save for his friend, White Sox outfielder Brian Anderson. Ozzie started throwing blind haymakers...
"You played with us 162 games and all of a sudden you leave and say you don't have a friend in the clubhouse, only Brian Anderson?" Guillen said. "Well, he picked the wrong guy to be friends with."
Not only does he take a swing at McCarthy, but for whatever reason, he went after CURRENT White Sox outfielder Brian Anderson. Why? Only Oz knows.

9) Ozzie v. Van Slyke- Following a game where Ozzie freaked out at former White Sox pitcher Jon Garland for not throwing at Tiger's players, Detroit first base coach Andy Van Slyke said that Garland should had pucned Guillen in the face. Ozzie no-likey.
"That's why he's coaching first base and I'm managing in the big leagues," Guillen said. "I'm going to manage in the big leagues longer than he's going to coach first base."

Nothing like making fun of less important coaching positions. Wasn't Ozzie once a third base coach for the Marlins?

10) Ozzie v. Cuzzi- After a White Sox-Twins game where umpire Phil Cuzzi tossed Ozzie, Guillen opted to enlighten the fans about his relationship with Mr. Cuzzi.

"I just let him know I don't like him the first day I see him, and I think he feels the same way about me. And we have to move on."
No swears but still pretty funny mainly because he claims he hated Cuzzi the first moment he laid eyes on the him.

I can't wait until Ozzie starts his political career...I'd pay good money to watch an Ozzie v. Palin debate.
Actually, Guillen would probrably just hit on her.

Or perhaps just hit her.

Sunday, October 26, 2008

Samurai In San Fran

I Love The Samurai

Due to his inability to develop Alex Smith into a star quarterback, Mike Nolan has been ousted from San Francisco. In all honesty, I liked Nolan.

Mainly because he often rocked suits on the sideline instead of the usual team apparel. You have to respect the classy throwback to coaches of yesteryear.

That being said, I'm pretty pumped that I get to watch Mike Singletary patroll the sideline now as the 49ers interim, and hopefully permanent, head coach.

You want someone who can scare the talent back into players like Vernon Davis?

How's a 10 time pro bowl, 2 time defensive mvp, leader of the 85 Bears D, all around psycho former middle linebacker?

He's the guy that Brian Urlacher will always be compared to and likely never match.

He's the freakin' Samurai!!! Is there a better nickname ever in anything?

But in all honesty, the hands down number one reason why Mike will make an awesome head coach and will probrably lead the 49ers to 7 or 8 superbowl wins in a row...

He's number 50 in case you aren't familiar...and nobody messes in his neighborhood.

Thursday, October 23, 2008

Staph Infection? I'm A F@#KING Soldier!!!

Staph Infection Sidelines Winslow Again...For A Different Reason


Why I Hate Phil Savage

Clevelend Browns General Manager Phil Savage has suspended Kellen Winslow for comments he made regarding his recent staph infection and the teams handling of the situation.

Following Clevelands loss to the Redskins, Winslow told reporters that the "undisclosed" illness that sidelined him the previous week was staph infection, his second case since being drafted by the Browns five years ago. Winslow is the sixth Browns player to have a staph infection since 2005, well above the norm.

Winslow claims that the team claimed it was his choice to keep the illness secret when in reality it was the organizations choice.

Considering the Browns facilities seem to be a hot bed for staph infection, I'm inclined to agree with Winslow.

"Nobody knew that I had staph on the team because the Browns didn't want it to get out,'' Winslow said. "But it's my teammates' right to know what's going on at the facility to protect them. Their safety is at risk, too, and I didn't agree with the Cleveland Browns, because they are protecting the organization and not the players."

This insane verbal rampage was so destructive to the Browns organization that it apparently deserved a one game suspension without pay.

"The Browns are bigger than one person, bigger than [owner] Randy Lerner, bigger than [coach] Romeo Crennel, bigger than me and bigger than any player on this team," Savage said during his weekly appearance on WTAM radio. "We couldn't and won't allow one person to tear down the organization, so we had to do something."

I'm sorry. "Tear down the organization?" That sounds like the Sarah Palin school of thought that if you criticize anything America does you somehow are trying to destroy the union.
Phil, there is, without a doubt, something totally messed up about your facilities that it's infected six players, including another star in Braylon Edwards, with staph infection. Do you know how many times a player on my high school team contracted a staph infection in our diry facilities? Somewhere around zero.

By protecting his teamates Winslow is actually helping the organization, because the most important part of the organization is the team. Period. And Phil, the team is way, way, waaaay bigger then you.

When you make a big secret hush hush about an athletes illness, it makes it sound like he has AIDS or something.

You know what wrecks organizations more than telling the truth to the press? Massive cover-ups that endanger the team.

I don't know if it's a personality flaw or because he went to Miami or both, but Kellen Winslow has a tendancy to say extra stupid things at a pretty steady clip. This, however, is not one of those times. And if the Browns lose a tight one this week, your going to look like a grade A dumbass.

Because going 2-5, well, that REALLY tears down an organization.

On the flip side...
Fine...Bench him... "I Don't give a HELL"...

Monday, October 20, 2008

Skirts For Everyone!!!

Why I Love Polamalu And Hate Goodell

What's Next? No More Scary Tatoos?

Back in the day, Hall of Fame linebacker Jack Lambert suggested that the NFL put skirts on quarterbacks so they know not to hit them like they are actual football players.

Roger Goodell seems to want to make the skirt uniforms manditory for all players.
A little while back, the usually hard to crack Steelers safety Troy Polamalu opened up about his take on the direction the NFL was headed.

"It's becoming more and more flag football, two-hand touch," said Polamalu.

He would go on to say that league officials are turning football into a "pansy game" and that greats like Dick Butkus and Ronnie Lott wouldn't be able to play in todays game because they would be fined way to much and woulnd't be able to make rent.

I couldn't agree more.

I've already expressed my anger towards the babying of qbs, but thats done by referees. What Troy is talking about is perfectly legal, non-penalized hits that are resulting in fines well after the game has ended. What Troy is talking about are the two legal hits Hines Ward layed on corners this year that resulted in fines of 15,000 each.
Yeah, the NFL is protecting DEFENSIVE players from getting HIT!

Cardinals safety Adrian Wilson was fined 25,000 bucks because a legal hit he layed on Buffalo quarterback Trent Edwards resulted in a concussion.

Just because someone gets injured doesn't mean the hit was dirty. It is very possible to give someone a concussion from a totally legal form tackle.

It's football. People are supposed to get messed up. The players know that. It's been a reality since they played in high school. If you take away the brutality of football then you take away a key element that has made football the most popular sport in America.

If a player was afraid of injury, then they would switch to baseball.

If we have a bunch of players running around playing tentative, then they are going to get hurt. That's something players are taught very early on.

Fine happy Roger Goodell claims that this new wave of non-penalized hits being fined is due to a desire to protect the players from injury. This is true and false. True, the NFL wants to keep players from getting injured, but it has less to do with player safety and more to do with protection of assets. It's about money. If they really wanted to protect players from being injured, they wouldn't be currently debating the possibility of adding a couple more games to the regular season.

Oh really? That's more chances for players to get injured, more wear and tear, all of which could lead to shorter careers and less money for the players. It would, however, bring more money in for the league.

Safety of the players huh?
How about we stop fining players for hits, because that's what they are paid to do.
Let's also stop fining players for touchdown dances, trust me, no one is getting offended by them accept for everyone's racist grandpa who doesn't see why there aren't as many white fellas playing these days.
And lets kill this new "Defensive Delay Of Game" call that's being tossed around this season. Oh, a defensive player didn't immediatly pick up the ball and hand it to the nearest ref? He instead angrily hits the ground because he missed an easy pick. Well, we can't have emotion in football can we? Toss the yellow flag.

The fun police are already stepping all over College Football (Washington-BYU game anyone?), let's keep them out of the NFL.

Do it for Deion, do it for Butkus, and do it for my sanity.

Sunday, October 12, 2008

"Anything Is Possible!!!" ...'Cept For Playing Defense

With the NBA season upon us...

What I Love And Hate About The NBA

What I Hate...

The death of defense
Many NBA haters will point to selfish players that won't hustle as to why the NBA is an offense oriented league.
The blame doesn't lie with the players.

In the 1994-95 season NBA officials made a number of defensive moves collectivly called hand checking illegal. Hand checking occurs when a player uses a part of their body to impede the foreword and lateral movement of an offensive player. This contact includes...
  • when a defender "leaves" his hand(s) on an opponent
  • when a defender repeatedly touches an opponent
  • when a defender places two hands on an opponent
  • when a defender continually "jabs" an opponent
  • when an illegal armbar is used on an opponent
According to NBA officials, this was done to increase scoring.

According to NBA referees, this was done to limit injuries as each generation of players got bigger, faster, and stronger.

What this did was make it near impossible to play defense in a game that already favored offensive players.

How many times is it really blocking? How many times a game to they call charges?
What this did was make defense a lost art, and that isn't even the worst result of killing hand checking.

It turned basketball players into pansies.

In the pre-hand check foul basketball world, players would get mugged if they came driving down the lane.

Remember how teams used to play Jordan? Remember how the Pistons used to play, well, everybody?

Todays stars would wilt under that kind of beat down. Remember Lebron against the Wizards? They hacked him a few times and you would have thought they punched his mother.

Have you seen this guy? He's jacked! He's 10 times more ripped then Jordan and seems to think he can only take a fraction of the punishment or his career will be cut short.

Steve Nash gets rammed into the announce table and people start acting like something dirty just happened. It's a good thing Rodman doesn't play anymore.

Good defense has been reduced to the art of the believable flop. I'm sorry, if I wanted to watch players run down the court and score over and over again with little to no resistance, I'd dust off the old Super Nintendo and pop in NBA Jam.
What I Love...
The Quick Turnaround
Everyone always drools over the parity of the NFL, and while the NBA doesn't necessarily posses that equality of teams, it does have one thing going for it that you just can't say about football or baseball...
Every team is seemingly a couple players from contention.
Look at the Boston Celtics.

They went from being an insult to one of the greatest franchises in sports to NBA champions in a year. How? They added two players. This just doesn't work in football or baseball because of the number of starters and the specialization of each position. If tomorrow the Detroit Lions got Brian Urlacher and Adrian Peterson, they would probrably still suck. In basketball, it's a whole different story.
This makes off season moves all the more important. One trade here, a big free agent signing there and all of a sudden you jump from joke to championship contender. Every franchise has hope. Catch phrases like "Wait 'till next year" actually mean something.
It's the biggest positive to come out of the insane grab game that is sports free agency.

What I Don't Undestand...

Why does every next big stud have to be "the next Michael Jordan"? Why can't Kobe just be Kobe and Lebron just be Lebron?
For one, there will never be another Jordan. Why? Because aside from his talent and drive, there's never going to be anyone that insane.
People forget that he punched out Steve Kerr at practice for not hustling.
They also forget that he threw Horace Grant into a locker during half time because Grant wanted to sit out due to a migraine.
He used to take out other stars to dinner as a means of softening them up for when he played them.
It's a rumor that his friendship with Charles Barkley stemmed from Jordan's desire to learn Barkley's flaws and weaknesses so that he could destroy him.
I can stomach Kobe comparisons because they share a similar killer instinct, but Lebron? Really?

He seems... human.

Sunday, October 5, 2008

There's No Cursing In Baseball

After the quick exit by the Chicago Cubs, I'm moved to vent about one of the dumbest beliefs in sports.

That a team can actually be cursed...

The Red Sox proved how stupid a notion this was when they defeated the so called "Curse of the Bambino" when they won the World Series back in 2004.

Now, the Cubs more or less got ran over by the Dodgers this year. Mr. Clutch Aramis Ramirez stranded 19 batters. Alfonso Soriano made his case to become the A-Rod of the National League with his .212 lifetime average in the post season. This was their highest pay roll in team history, most wins in the national league, the favorites to win the NLCS.

Swept, again.
Yet seemingly intelligent adult sports writers and talking heads continue to mention the curse when covering the Cubs post season collapse.

Really? So some idiot back in the day was cranky because his goat got denied entrance into Wrigley. So he said the Cubs would never win the World Series and blah blah blah.

That guy must of had a sweet life.

"If my son doesn't get an A in Algebra, then I curse his teacher with 7 untwanted pregnancies!"

"If I get passed over for this job, then I curse my boss with 10 years of erectile dysfunction!"
"If I can't get my Cow into this Bears game, then many decades from now they will make it to the Superbowl only to be thwarted by their own partially retarded elf-man quarterback who shall wear the number 8!"

I would not want to make that guy angry.

Then of course there was a black cat running around on the field and really, how are you supposed to overcome that!

And Bartman...was that part of the goat curse, the black cat, or was that something totally new?

I mean wow, if that's all it takes to destroy a team then I need to say a few things...
  1. I forever curse the Detroit Pistons for as long as 'Sheed continues to run around like a seven year old after he gets a traveling call. They will be forced to play in Detroit for all eternity!

  2. If Tony Kornheiser doesn't stop bringing up Brett Favre and how much of a gun slinger he is during Monday Night Football when the Jets aren't even playing, then I curse him to be forced to work only with Shannon Sharpe, calling 9 man football games in Nebraska for the rest of his days.

  3. I curse the Dallas Cowboys to have Jessica Simpson become their new defensive coordinator if my friend Travis doesn't stop saying things like "There is a hole in the roof at Texas Stadium so God can watch his team."

  4. If Jay Mariotti doesn't find a new city to ruin then I forever curse him to have to live in an apartment with Hawk Harrelson.

  5. And finally, Carmen Electra will never win an oscar until she marries me. So far this one is working pretty good actually.

There is no Santa Claus, The Stork didn't drop you off at your parents doorstep, and there is no such thing as curses.

Grow up people.