Monday, October 27, 2008

The Oz-Man's Greatest Hits

Ozzie Guillen. You either love him or hate him. I love him. One, I'm a White Sox fan, one of about 15 i'm pretty sure. Secondly, say what you want about him, he isn't boring. So...

My Top Ten Favorite Ozzie Guillen Freakouts

1) Ozzie v. Mariotti- After call up pitcher Sean Tracey refused to plunk a batter in retaliation during a White Sox-Ranger game, Ozzie threw a tantrum, causing former Chicago Sun-Times columnist Jay Mariotti to call Ozzie childish. Ozzie's response was the most Ozzie-esq he has ever dealt out, and had without a doubt the craziest aftermath.

"What a peice of s**t he is a f**king f*g"
Ozzie later claimed he did not know the slur he threw out was a slur for a homosexual, that in his home country of Venezuela that the word means "dumb guy". He was fined and forced to attend "sensitivity training". The circus that followed was even greater then the quote, culminating in Ozzie Guillen's homosexual hair dresser defending him in the news.

2) Ozzie v. Magglio- Following former White Sox star Magglio Ordonez's departure for the Detroit Tigers, Ozzie was asked his opinion of his former outfielder. His response?

"He's a piece of s**t. He's another Venezuelan mother f**ker. F**k him. He thinks he's got an enemy? No, he's got a big one. He knows I can f**k him over in a lot of different ways. He better shut the f**k up and just play for the Detroit Tigers. Why do I have to go over and even apologize to him? Who the f**k is Magglio Ordonez? What did he ever do for me? He didn't do s**t for me."
Followed by...
He f**ked with the wrong guy, and he knows that, too. He knows for a fact that he f**ked with the wrong people."
A close second to the Mariotti blowup. A very close second.

3) Ozzie v. Rich Hill- After the infamous Barett-Pierzynski punch that led to a Cubs-Sox brawl, Cubs pitcher Rich Hill told the media that he thought Peirzynski's hard slide was "Gutless" and "Pathetic". Ozzie?
"Tell that Triple-A b**ch to shut the f**k up," Guillen said. "Tell him to start throwing some strikes or he's going to get Dusty (Baker) fired."
Funny considering how Baker's career turned out in Chicago.

4) Ozzie v. Showalter- A minor disagreement over a Ranger's reliever coaching first base leads to Ozzie ripping on Buck Showalter's playing career.
"He never even smelled a jock in the big leagues," Said Ozzie,"Mr. Baseball never even got a hit in Triple-A. I was a better player than him, I have more money than him and I'm better looking than him."
For me it's tough to top baseball managers arguing over who is hotter.

5) Ozzie v. Wendelstedt- Ozzie wasn't happy when Carlos Lee was called out on a stolen base. His opponent? Second generation MLB umpire Harry Wendelstedt. Ozzie allegedly spit tobacco juice on Wendelstedt's face and informed him that...

"You're not even a pimple on your daddy's ass."

Great because he seemingly spit tobacco juice, which I didn't know was still allowed in baseball dugouts, in an umps face. Also sweet because he threw out a cross-generational diss.

6) Ozzie v. North- After A.J. Pierzynski complained about not starting in place of backup Toby Hall on Mike North's radio show 670 The Score, Ozzie actually called into the show to, er, explain his position. What ensued was a soliloquy chalk full of fun words. The highlight for me was the opening remarks...
Mike North: "How you doing, Ozzie?"
Ozzie Guillen: "Oh, shut the f**k up!"

7) Ozzie v. Duncan- Dodgers third base coach Mariano Duncan called Ozzie an embarassment to Latinos in baseball. Ozzie disagreed a little...
"Mariano Duncan never will be a big league manager and not because I ruined it for him. If Mariano Duncan thinks being a manager is making out the lineup and changing pitchers, he is real wrong."

8) Ozzie v. McCarthy- Former White Sox pitcher Brandon McCarthy said he is more comfortable on the Rangers because he was the only single player in Chicago save for his friend, White Sox outfielder Brian Anderson. Ozzie started throwing blind haymakers...
"You played with us 162 games and all of a sudden you leave and say you don't have a friend in the clubhouse, only Brian Anderson?" Guillen said. "Well, he picked the wrong guy to be friends with."
Not only does he take a swing at McCarthy, but for whatever reason, he went after CURRENT White Sox outfielder Brian Anderson. Why? Only Oz knows.

9) Ozzie v. Van Slyke- Following a game where Ozzie freaked out at former White Sox pitcher Jon Garland for not throwing at Tiger's players, Detroit first base coach Andy Van Slyke said that Garland should had pucned Guillen in the face. Ozzie no-likey.
"That's why he's coaching first base and I'm managing in the big leagues," Guillen said. "I'm going to manage in the big leagues longer than he's going to coach first base."

Nothing like making fun of less important coaching positions. Wasn't Ozzie once a third base coach for the Marlins?

10) Ozzie v. Cuzzi- After a White Sox-Twins game where umpire Phil Cuzzi tossed Ozzie, Guillen opted to enlighten the fans about his relationship with Mr. Cuzzi.

"I just let him know I don't like him the first day I see him, and I think he feels the same way about me. And we have to move on."
No swears but still pretty funny mainly because he claims he hated Cuzzi the first moment he laid eyes on the him.

I can't wait until Ozzie starts his political career...I'd pay good money to watch an Ozzie v. Palin debate.
Actually, Guillen would probrably just hit on her.

Or perhaps just hit her.

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