Sunday, November 16, 2008

Lovable? Maybe. Losers? Oh Yes.

Hey Chicago Whaddya Say, The Cubs Are Gonna W...Yeah, Doubt It.

The Cubs suck. Period. Here are a few reasons why...
1) They haven't won a World Series in a century. Wrap your dome around that. Not in a 100 years. How is that even possible? I mean how any team's fans can actually argue that their team is one of the great baseball franchises when their team hasn't won in 100 years just blows my mind. In 10 years the Tampa Rays got closer to winning the big one then the Cubs have post WWII. I should be able to end the blog right here and still have proven my point, but I won't.
2) No one is afraid of a baby bear. It's a freakin' infant animal. When confronted in the wilderness, it would roll over on it's back and look cute. Why would you pick an animal that needs protection from it's mother to survive?
That's not to say that all mascots must be a scary animal, but they should at the very least be cool. I'm a White Sox fan, and yeah, no one is afraid of a sock either. But we haven't been the White Stockings in a long, long time. What is a "Sox"? Nothing really. It represents their old uniforms from back in the day, so it means something to the franchise. a cub? I mean for a team that old, they pretty much had an open field to choose from. They could have been anything. Yet, they chose a cub to represent the spirit of their organization, which apparently is laying on your back and crying when confronted by danger, which now that I think of it, actually makes sense.
3) Wrigley Field is an overrated toilet. You heard me, Wrigley sucks. Everyone in sports is always waxing poetic about the place, and I just don't see it. The place is falling apart, literally. They need nets to protect fans from falling debris.
Not to mention, you have to piss in a trough. If I wanted to piss in a trough, I would drive ten minutes north, sneak onto a farmers property, and let one go in the trough where he feeds his pigs. I know Soldier Field used to have a trough, but they upgraded, you know, to human bathrooms. You know what sounds fun to me? standing sandwiched between to strangers, hips touching, and whipping my wang out. I have a little rule of thumb; I don't touch my penis when other men are touching me. Call me old fashioned, but it's just a little something I live by.
"But Sean, what about the Ivy?" What about it? Weeds. Cool. My neighbor has ivy on their house. Maybe I should save a ton of money next time a friend wants to go to a Cubs game by just getting hammered drunk and standing on my neighbor's lawn and scream half retarded nonsense at his ivy covered siding.
What about the history? What history? See point 1).
Heres a thought...Take all that mad money that the Cubs organization has, and instead of throwing it at an overrated player from Japan, invest in some better facilities, you know, before the place gets condemed.
And enough about the purity of Wrigley field. As far as i'm concerned, the Cubs where the first team to ever sell out to a corporation. Wrigley is named for Wrigly gum people.
Ozzie is right. Wrigley blows.
4) They think they are cursed. Nope. No curse. Your team just chokes on it every chance they get.
5) They blame a playoff melt-down on a fan. Steve Bartman didn't do anything wrong. He did exactly what every other fan in the world would have done. If a ball is flying towards you, your going to grab it. Don't lie. We all would have done the same thing. Moises Alou recently admited that he wouldn't have caught the ball anyway.

The Cubs went on to get beat down in that game. And the next game? Same result. The Cubs lost to the Marlins, Bartman didn't beat anyone. Typical Cubs though, there always has to be some cute excuse for everything, something you can market. So they blow up the Bartman ball and yada yada yada. Grow up people.
Same garbage with the whole "Lovable Loser" crap. There is nothing lovable about sucking. And lets be honest, the Cubs aren't some sort of sweet underdog. They have tons of money that they have no problem throwing around Yankee/Red Sox style. They have a lot and do very little with it. For crying out loud they have a newspaper (Chicago Tribune) that owns them and is more bias in support of their Cubbies than FOX news is for Republicans.

6) Please stop showing Jim Belushi all the time. He sucks at everything. His brother John is funnier, and he's dead.
While your at it, stop showing old people and children crying whenever the Cubs blow it in the playoffs. It's getting real old. We get it. People are going to die without ever seeing the Cubbies win. Guess what, that's happened to many fans of many teams. Get over it.
7) The uniforms are way too girly for their own good. Really? Red, white, and blue? God that's corny.
8) Lou Piniella needs to be put down like his name is Old Yeller. He goes into post game interviews not knowing how his team won or lost the game. Is he taking a nappy nap in the dugout? And then you have his adorable freak outs. They are a lot less scary/angry and a lot more cute/sad.

For real, if I have to watch him trot around in his tight uniform, gut hanging past his junk, I'm going to seriously consider getting my retinas removed.
9) That song makes angels rape themselves. "Go Cubs Go" is the least catchy song that has ever been written. If it had been written during WWII, I have no doubt Hitler would have used it against the Polish.
10) Revisionist History. Cubs fans rag on Sosa and act like they didn't worship him a couple of years ago. I built and drove the Sammy Sosa Hate Wagon. It pisses me off that there are now so many people in the back seat.

And don't even get me started on Michael Barrett. Yeah he sucks and needed to go and tried to fight Zambrano and all that good stuff, but I remember a time when Cubs fans used to worship him like some sort of Rocky/Bruce Lee/Jack Bauer Jesus child all because he got sad that A.J. Pierzynski ran him over and he got cranky and limp wrist slapped him. Not to mention, he then got himself tackled and choked out by tiny Scott Podsednik. Now that I think about it, the Cubs in general are pretty weak at throwing down. Did anyone see when Derrek Lee tried to throw down last season? He wiffed on every punch, and it was against a scrawny pitcher. Soft.

I could go on all night, but I've got a feeling that most of the class is offended enough with 10 reasons.
Maybe Next Year? I wouldn't hold my breath.



E. Van Dril said...

First, you gotta fix the spacing. It's too hard to get through.

But, you killed this post. Especially the part about whipping it out in front of a bunch of dudes.

It's amazing that for the amount of sellouts the Cubs get, they haven't upgraded the toilets. Is that a part of the "experience?" That must be why Sox fans say Cubs fans are gay.

And that Jim Belushi thing pisses me off too. He tries to be the representative of Chicago. He shows up at Cubs games all the time. He does interviews during Bears MNF games. And I even saw him during a Southern Illinois NCAA tournament game.

What a tool.

uisjmc morgan said...

Yeah I keep trying to fix the spacing and then it goes right back to how you see it now for some reason

UISJMC Chiakulas said...

I think Cubs fans playing Bartman for the game 6 collapse in the 2003 NLCS was the worst. Every other fan would have done the same thing, and I'm not even sure Alou would have caught the ball. He might of, but who really knows?

His reaction is what got the media and then the fans all rowdy and in "kill Bartman" mode.

People seem to forget that the next batter hit a ground ball to shortstop Alex Gonzalez for what should have been an inning-ending double play, except he booted it.

Prior collapsed, and the rest is history.

ChiBears said...

Your only real point is your first one...but should I stop being a fan because they haven't won a world series in a while? It's called team loyalty.

2. How can you say they are a weak organization because they are a you mentioned, your team is a sock. Other teams are: Cardinals, Angels, Padres, and Dodgers to name just a few....since when does a team name have to be intimidating?

3. Overrated toilet? Interesting that just about the only people who ever bash Wrigley are Sox is regarded by most people associated with baseball as one of the greatest ballparks -- but you're so wise, you're pry right. And as far as history goes, there has been a shit ton of history...Babe Ruth's "called shot", Ernie Banks' 500th, Kerry Wood's 20 K game, and Sosa's 3 years of 60+ homeruns...not to mention a few all-star games.

4. That's a generalization...some fans might think that, and at times it may feel like it -- but most fans i know don't actually believe in a curse. I sure don't.

5. No real fan blames the series loss on Bartman, at the time it was easy to hate him, but when you rationally think about it the team blew it. Alex Gonzales fucked it up later in the inning when he botched an inning-ending double play....i blame him over Bartman anyday.

6. What does Jim Belushi matter? really? And as far as showing people crying at the end of a series loss or whatnot -- EVERY broadcast does that for ANY team that is getting knocked out of the playoffs....they show the home fans in despair that their team's season is over. That's just a joke that you make it seem only Cubs fans do that.

7. I'm glad you think red, white, and blue is girly. I thought this was America....hmmm? And besides a few different colors -- they have the same home pinstripes and road greys that the Sox wear. But go on...keep haitng the Cubs....and America.

8. One of the winningest managers of all-time. Just because he rambles and shit doesn't mean he doesn't know or care about waht's going on. And how can you even bring up his tirades -- Ozzie Guillen goes on a rant every other week. Sometimes they're great and deserved...but that act is getting old -- especially after he threw Vazquez under the bus bigtime.

9. How can an angel rape themself? Is it possible? And since you're not a Cubs fan...I wouldn't expect you to find it catchy -- but take a look at the fans after a home W...they find it damn catchy and that's all that really matters. They dont have to please you with their song. Sorry they didn't just adopt a song by Journey and call it their team song like some other team did recently....

10. After one of your favorite players gets caught with cork and then is basically found to have been using banned gets kind of easy to dislike them. I'll admit I liked him, didn't love him, but after all the shit that happened around him I don't care for him nearly as much. I don't see whats wrong with disliking someone who cheated and scarred your matter how much they did for your team in the past.

What it comes down to is that you're pretty pathetic that you wasted your time to bash the Cubs. I really don't get it one bit. Sox fans seem to go out of their way to bash the the sporting world one HUGE favor -- Love your team more than you hate ours.

crackmcdowen said...

What I think is funny are the Cubs fans getting on here writing stupid pissy comments such as.. 'Omg, it's team loyalty, and this and that, omg, come on dude, how could you write such blasphemous things??!!"...blah blah blah. The author is just pokin' fun and giving you Cubs fans shit, but at the same time, when you put all that b.s. in your comments, you just prove his point about how stupid some Cubs fans can be.

Now who's pathetic?

P.S. - who gives a shit about the spacing