Hey Chicago Whaddya Say, The Cubs Are Gonna W...Yeah, Doubt It.
The Cubs suck. Period. Here are a few reasons why...
1) They haven't won a World Series in a century. Wrap your dome around that. Not in a 100 years. How is that even possible? I mean how any team's fans can actually argue that their team is one of the great baseball franchises when their team hasn't won in 100 years just blows my mind. In 10 years the Tampa Rays got closer to winning the big one then the Cubs have post WWII. I should be able to end the blog right here and still have proven my point, but I won't.
2) No one is afraid of a baby bear. It's a freakin' infant animal. When confronted in the wilderness, it would roll over on it's back and look cute. Why would you pick an animal that needs protection from it's mother to survive?
That's not to say that all mascots must be a scary animal, but they should at the very least be cool. I'm a White Sox fan, and yeah, no one is afraid of a sock either. But we haven't been the White Stockings in a long, long time. What is a "Sox"? Nothing really. It represents their old uniforms from back in the day, so it means something to the franchise. a cub? I mean for a team that old, they pretty much had an open field to choose from. They could have been anything. Yet, they chose a cub to represent the spirit of their organization, which apparently is laying on your back and crying when confronted by danger, which now that I think of it, actually makes sense.
3) Wrigley Field is an overrated toilet. You heard me, Wrigley sucks. Everyone in sports is always waxing poetic about the place, and I just don't see it. The place is falling apart, literally. They need nets to protect fans from falling debris.
Not to mention, you have to piss in a trough. If I wanted to piss in a trough, I would drive ten minutes north, sneak onto a farmers property, and let one go in the trough where he feeds his pigs. I know Soldier Field used to have a trough, but they upgraded, you know, to human bathrooms. You know what sounds fun to me? standing sandwiched between to strangers, hips touching, and whipping my wang out. I have a little rule of thumb; I don't touch my penis when other men are touching me. Call me old fashioned, but it's just a little something I live by.
"But Sean, what about the Ivy?" What about it? Weeds. Cool. My neighbor has ivy on their house. Maybe I should save a ton of money next time a friend wants to go to a Cubs game by just getting hammered drunk and standing on my neighbor's lawn and scream half retarded nonsense at his ivy covered siding.
What about the history? What history? See point 1).
Heres a thought...Take all that mad money that the Cubs organization has, and instead of throwing it at an overrated player from Japan, invest in some better facilities, you know, before the place gets condemed.
And enough about the purity of Wrigley field. As far as i'm concerned, the Cubs where the first team to ever sell out to a corporation. Wrigley is named for Wrigly gum people.
Ozzie is right. Wrigley blows.
4) They think they are cursed. Nope. No curse. Your team just chokes on it every chance they get. http://uisjmcmorgan.blogspot.com/2008/10/theres-no-cursing-in-baseball.html
5) They blame a playoff melt-down on a fan. Steve Bartman didn't do anything wrong. He did exactly what every other fan in the world would have done. If a ball is flying towards you, your going to grab it. Don't lie. We all would have done the same thing. Moises Alou recently admited that he wouldn't have caught the ball anyway.
The Cubs went on to get beat down in that game. And the next game? Same result. The Cubs lost to the Marlins, Bartman didn't beat anyone. Typical Cubs though, there always has to be some cute excuse for everything, something you can market. So they blow up the Bartman ball and yada yada yada. Grow up people.
Same garbage with the whole "Lovable Loser" crap. There is nothing lovable about sucking. And lets be honest, the Cubs aren't some sort of sweet underdog. They have tons of money that they have no problem throwing around Yankee/Red Sox style. They have a lot and do very little with it. For crying out loud they have a newspaper (Chicago Tribune) that owns them and is more bias in support of their Cubbies than FOX news is for Republicans.
6) Please stop showing Jim Belushi all the time. He sucks at everything. His brother John is funnier, and he's dead.
While your at it, stop showing old people and children crying whenever the Cubs blow it in the playoffs. It's getting real old. We get it. People are going to die without ever seeing the Cubbies win. Guess what, that's happened to many fans of many teams. Get over it.
7) The uniforms are way too girly for their own good. Really? Red, white, and blue? God that's corny.
8) Lou Piniella needs to be put down like his name is Old Yeller. He goes into post game interviews not knowing how his team won or lost the game. Is he taking a nappy nap in the dugout? And then you have his adorable freak outs. They are a lot less scary/angry and a lot more cute/sad.
For real, if I have to watch him trot around in his tight uniform, gut hanging past his junk, I'm going to seriously consider getting my retinas removed.
9) That song makes angels rape themselves. "Go Cubs Go" is the least catchy song that has ever been written. If it had been written during WWII, I have no doubt Hitler would have used it against the Polish.
10) Revisionist History. Cubs fans rag on Sosa and act like they didn't worship him a couple of years ago. I built and drove the Sammy Sosa Hate Wagon. It pisses me off that there are now so many people in the back seat.
And don't even get me started on Michael Barrett. Yeah he sucks and needed to go and tried to fight Zambrano and all that good stuff, but I remember a time when Cubs fans used to worship him like some sort of Rocky/Bruce Lee/Jack Bauer Jesus child all because he got sad that A.J. Pierzynski ran him over and he got cranky and limp wrist slapped him. Not to mention, he then got himself tackled and choked out by tiny Scott Podsednik. Now that I think about it, the Cubs in general are pretty weak at throwing down. Did anyone see when Derrek Lee tried to throw down last season? He wiffed on every punch, and it was against a scrawny pitcher. Soft.
I could go on all night, but I've got a feeling that most of the class is offended enough with 10 reasons.
Maybe Next Year? I wouldn't hold my breath.